One of God's Children
Unregistered
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Yearning Peace, Warmth, Love, Joy, and Safety Once More
Hi. I am entering that stage of adulthood (18-23, take your pick) where so many things suddenly don't make much sense to me anymore.
I have prayed very much already about the things that have troubled my heart, and I know that slowly but surely, God is working in my life. After I moved a couple states away, I lost about every "friend" that I had because we were simply growing apart, and some aspects of the life they were living I did not agree with. I only had 3 friends. We were friends for about 9 going on 10 years. It hurt a lot, but I took it as a message from God saying that He wants me to work on my life for a little while and focus on how I can make the relationship between God and I better.
Though it was hard, I started moving forward...but then it was time to go back to school. I saw guys with girlfriends, girls with best friends, and I was sitting alone. A good portion of the time I did not mind it, but then another portion of the time, I would pray for God to bless me with a friend who is Christian and shares some interests as me so that I would not feel so alone. God still said no. He wanted me to work on being His best friend. Though I spoke to Him often, there was still something missing from our relationship and I felt like He wanted me to fix that first. He knew I was desperate for companionship and didn't not want me to just become friends with anyone "just because."
As time went by, I felt like I became quieter. I was not very social. I was afraid of doing something that was against what God wanted. 
So I decided to talk to someone online, then I stopped speaking to that person after a day because in reality I did not know who the person was and I became paranoid of the world I live in. The person wanted to exchange pictures and I did. Nothing bad, just a picture of my self. When I saw that person, I felt like compared to my picture I looked like a baby. I became scared that I shared to much about myself with someone (my interest, what I like to do, if I read...things like that). To be completely honest I felt happy that someone wanted to talk to me when we were talking, but something just came over me. Ever since then I have lately seen the world in a different light. Turning on the news everyday hurts me; people passing away, bank robberies, kidnappings, murders, financial troubles, and the list goes on and on. I used to look at these these things and say, wow, that's a shame and say a quick "Lord, save us.." and go about my day. But now in my head, I say God, it could have been me on that news channel. I cried, I did not eat, I developed bags underneath my eyes, and lost about 8-9 pounds. All I wanted was a friend, a companion. I felt like I offended God by trying to make a friend my own way. Thats how I really felt.
Things at home got messier and messier-especially between me and madre. My mother is the closest person I know. But I felt like things were going down hill. My brother moved away a couple years ago and had a baby, and because she lives away from him, she worries and troubles her self so much that her face looks tired. I would ask my mom to take a minute away from the computer to spend some time on her self, let's go to the mall or something I would say. She would never go, and a lot of the time she would not even look my way when I spoke to her. Until one day I asked her again if she would like to go buy some things for school with me and she said sure. When we got to the store, my mom starting crying...because she missed her son. I felt neglected and I felt bad that I couldn't do anything to take my moms pain away. So I finally said "why don't you just go visit them, take a couple days off and go see my brother and his family". She took offense to it and stopped talking to me for 2 and 1/2 weeks. She took it as I was trying to get rid of her. I became frustrated and sad and lonely and I felt like the love that I once felt became cold.
I have been praying more than ever, and I feel like God has heard me, yet my heart feels like fleeing this world and running into the arms of my Father in heaven. My earthly bioloical Father did not want me and I do not know how that feels. I would never say that to my mom because that would kill her, and its not her fault. And I would not be able to fix that heart ache and neither would she. 
So no friends. Ok fine. I really am ok being alone for a moment in life, because I don't want to be in the presence of bad company if I keep on asking God for the wrong thing, know what I mean? But no relationship with madre? I can do it. Thank God I was brave enough to approach her and apologize for my behavior and hurting her feelings, but still I feel like something is missing. There is still a sadness in my heart. There is still a safety concern in my heart and on my mind. There is still a joy factor missing from this puzzle of mine. In so many ways I still feel like a child, but in so many ways I feel like the joy of child has become non-existent to me. I'm looking for it, but I do not want to look in the wrong places.
Please help me pray for these crazy sad and paranoid, emotions to cease. Please help me pray for the Lord to be my friend and for that to be more than enough. Please help me pray for my understanding of life's citations. Sorry for the long passage!! God Bless you all!!!!  
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