A few months ago something happened to me that ruined my life for me.
Here is my backstory. I have always tried my best to be a good person. Whilst my friends have gone out drinking, going out and focussing on partying and having a good time, I have tried my best to avoid all that. I have worked hard in college, tried to make my family proud of me and even decided to save myself until marriage. It is this last point that has been really important to me because I have been proud in myself by retaining purity, innocence and honour.
However I have been unlucky in the last few months. I had been unemployed for a number of months and no matter how many applications I sent off, I rarely even got a reply. My mom has also been sick with cancer and I have rarely had contact with my friends. I have also been in two life-threatening accidents. This has led to me feeling lonely, demoralised and depressed.
Due to my morality, girls have not been that interested in me. I have never had a girlfriend and never kissed a girl before. My friends used to tell me I was missing out and used to make me feel a bit pathetic about the situation. In my depression, I started to feel like I was missing out too and in a moment of weakness, I engaged in a sexual act with a girl whilst I was at a party. It was not full on sex but never the less I feel awful.
I feel like my innocence and purity are gone. I feel I have betrayed my oath to God. I had never previously been tempted to do anything like it but in a glimpsing moment of weakness I threw it all away. I used to be so proud of my abstinence and it was one of my internal sources of inspiration for me. I would go as far to say that it was an integral part of me and my character. Now I feel like I have ruined myself and corrupted my soul. I was supposed to save myself for someone special. All the things that I used to enjoy are ruined for me and I get no pleasure out of them anymore. I feel like my joy has been corrupted. It is on my mind constantly and each second feels like agony to me and I feel sick all the time. I pray to God to turn back time to before it happened because I would rather die than continue like this. My innocence was a part of me and it feels like a part of me has died. I know it seems drastic and over dramatic but it was a crucial pillar in my lifestyle. I can't repent and say I'm sorry enough. I have tried in the meantime to try even harder to be a good person and to be extremely kind and considerate but nothing takes my mind off it. I cannot forgive myself for ruining my dream of being the person I have always wanted to be. I know people say that turning back time is impossible but I pray to God to understand that it wasn't the true me that acted, and to allow myself a fresh start before that happened because it is my only hope.
