For the last six months I have felt like I have been going through hell. My relationship with my boyfriend of almost four years fell apart, and I had to face the fact that my drinking and lying had a huge hand in this. I love this man with all of my heart, and there is not a day that goes by without me wishing that I could restore my relationship with him and go home.
What is sad is that I would tell lies over the stupidest things, all in an attempt to be "perfect." It is not like anyone asked me, or expected me to be this way, I placed this burden on myself. My boyfriend and I weathered a lot together; we were out of our home 8 months after a hurricane. Then my godfather died, followed by my grandmother. His work slowed down and I took on more more of the bills, and added to a debt I already had. I was never truthful about this debt going into the relationship. I was embarassed, and was going to take care of my mess myself. All of this stress combined sent me over the edge and started drinking. I lied about this too. I felt like I could hide it from everyone, and that my boyfriend wouldn't notice. I was lying to myself. I am not saying he is perfect and without his faults, but through my sins I hurt both of us. I have fallen into a deep depression.
I am now living with my parents because I cannot afford to live on my own. As a 32 year old woman this has embarassed me and only adds to my depression. I feel like a pathetic loser.
My heart says to not give up on my relationship with my boyfriend, but sometimes I wonder if I am just fooling myself. This is the man that I thought I would marry, he was the answer to my prayers....and I blew it. I pray to God everyday to restore my relationship with my boyfriend. I have stopped drinking, stopped lying to myself and others, and try to prove to him everyday that I am still the woman he fell in love with. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't.
This has turned into such a rambling mess, but I am holding on by a thin thread and I don't know where else to turn. I have to be honest and say that I never pictured myself posting my "dirty laundry" on a site for strangers to read, and pray over. Thank you for "listening" to me.
