Want to know what's been going on to make me have these thoughts?

~Mom had to go to the hospital during the beginning of the year
~I had been betrayed by who I thought was my best friend... she was the one who got with my exboyfriend... and SHE was the one who I poured my heart to, and I get betrayed in a crucial, thieving act.
~Dad had to go to the hospital yesterday morning (thankfully released several hours later)
~We had received news of a death in the family last night (it was my mom's uncle who died of cancer)
~I'm currently hurt and literally sick to my stomach and has had no sleep in the last 24-48 hours
-Dad had to go back to the hospital AGAIN tonight because he has blood in his urine (JUST Found out from my mother that he has a kidney infection...!)
-and Dad fell down the stairs as he was walking to the van so my mom can drive him to the hospital for said above reason and she doesn't know if he broke his arm when he fell or what (He has indeed broken his hand from the fall... AND he sprained or broken the opposite arm as well... :()

I also received an email from my exboyfriend earlier tonight... it read:

"You were not betrayed. She's (my friend who took him away from me) still your friend, regardless of what you may feel. This is what I would call shifting the blame from yourself to her (it's easier to do, after all). She is not a thief. If anything, I'm the thief. It's not betrayal, due to the fact that I specifically told you that we would never come to be. (it's been what... a year?) (<- and he said he didn't say 'never', like last time)

I thought that this was to stop. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this turmoil with your family. However, as I've said before, and will say for the last time, I will not be the one to save you. Leave her out of this."

As if my year and NIGHT doesn't get worse... I am this close to ending my life, actually I've wanted to end it since I was 13 but couldn't muster to do so... but my life is hurting so bad... I want my ex to be saved and to be my husband (so he will not have this attitude or thoughts in his mind and have heavenly thoughts again and we can be one with Christ together), I want all bad things to stop right now...

I will not date anyone ever again until my ex comes around (he says never one week, then maybe we can date again the next, the never AGAIN the next) and I will not marry or date anyone else. People are telling me you want someone to love and cherish you but it may not be your ex and stuff like that. I've said I don't want ANYONE else (IF) my (ex)boyfriend doesn't come around. NO ONE. I will be alone for the rest of my life if possible!

I want my family to stop getting physically and emotionally hurt because it's making me hurt 10 times worse.

I've been having suicidal thoughts as of late. Actually it's been ever since I was 13 years old. Possibly earlier than that. And these thought have gotten stronger than ever. I confess. I want to end my life, only if it didn't send me to Hell in the process. I'm not going to go to therapy or a mental hospital because I have done that and it just won't work. I'm praying and praying but for what cost? Lord please help me... fulfill my desires that I've been praying for almost a YEAR for...! I'm hanging on a thread... Help me please...!

Father, in your mercy please move on the heart of this young girl to reconsider her position on seeking help. In her current state Mel cannot see anything clearly and she has become totally desensitized to all that is happening around her due to her own pain. Help her to understand that you do not visit illness on our parents or death in families to injure any of us. The dates of birth and death for every soul ever to be born were determined at the foundation of the world and while it is very unfortunate that this is all happening at the same time it is not a punishment of any kind...it just is. Father, please calm Mel's spirit long enough for there to be a breakthrough in her thinking. Help her to seek treatment that will give her relief. Therapy is not something that "works" in the short term. Sometimes it requires longer periods of time for the insights necessary to bring healing to occur. Many years ago, I thought much as she is thinking now and had to go through 3 therapists to find one that was skilled enough and that I trusted enough to help me. 3 years later I emerged from my shell of pain stronger, wiser and capable of dealing with life with my hand in yours. Please in your mercy lead Mel to seek help that her life may become manageable again. Suicide is not of you Father...it is directly of the enemy and is the ultimate weapon that he uses to destroy us. Father in your love for Mel and for her mother...who does not deserve to walk into a room and see her daughter dead, who does not deserve to carry that image with her for all of her days, who is struggling with the needs of her father and her grief from the death of a loved one already... please move that Mel seeks help. Until Mel is healed from this disturbance of the mind, she will not be able to grow as you would have her to and will continue to see things through the filter of her pain...which distorts everything. Right now the only thing of any real importance is for her to get well and for her to know peace that she might be able to make sound decisions. Father please in your mercy help her. In Jesus name...Amen!

In agreement with Adoring1's reply.

adoring1 Wrote:Father, in your mercy please move on the heart of this young girl to reconsider her position on seeking help. In her current state Mel cannot see anything clearly and she has become totally desensitized to all that is happening around her due to her own pain. Help her to understand that you do not visit illness on our parents or death in families to injure any of us. The dates of birth and death for every soul ever to be born were determined at the foundation of the world and while it is very unfortunate that this is all happening at the same time it is not a punishment of any kind...it just is. Father, please calm Mel's spirit long enough for there to be a breakthrough in her thinking. Help her to seek treatment that will give her relief. Therapy is not something that "works" in the short term. Sometimes it requires longer periods of time for the insights necessary to bring healing to occur. Many years ago, I thought much as she is thinking now and had to go through 3 therapists to find one that was skilled enough and that I trusted enough to help me. 3 years later I emerged from my shell of pain stronger, wiser and capable of dealing with life with my hand in yours. Please in your mercy lead Mel to seek help that her life may become manageable again. Suicide is not of you Father...it is directly of the enemy and is the ultimate weapon that he uses to destroy us. Father in your love for Mel and for her mother...who does not deserve to walk into a room and see her daughter dead, who does not deserve to carry that image with her for all of her days, who is struggling with the needs of her father and her grief from the death of a loved one already... please move that Mel seeks help. Until Mel is healed from this disturbance of the mind, she will not be able to grow as you would have her to and will continue to see things through the filter of her pain...which distorts everything. Right now the only thing of any real importance is for her to get well and for her to know peace that she might be able to make sound decisions. Father please in your mercy help her. In Jesus name...Amen!

Mel,
One of my husband's best friends,Wendell, took his own life. He wanted this girl so much. Even had children with her. You want to know what he accomplished by killing himself? His heart broken elderly parents had to bury their son. Have suffered great sickness at mourning over this loss. His dad passed away. The girl... she married the next thing to come along (which was about a month after his death, if that long). She hasn't even had a moments worry over it. She gets to draw a check for the 2 boys she had with him. She has forgotten all about him the moment he died.


Suicide is never the answer. He won't think nothing about it. What you need to do is serve the Lord with your whole heart. I see your posts on here,yet I have never seen you pray for others. Maybe I just missed them. Their are so many in need. You may pray without writing anything. Everyone wants to know that someone cares. Writing a prayer sends comfort that someone cared enough and loved enough to post a prayer. There is work to do for His glory,everywhere. You may say...I'm a mess how can I help anyone? You can. There are others out there hurting too. They need to hear from someone that is in their shoes. You can give comfort to each other. You can lead a lost souls to Jesus. Just talking about Him, could plant the seed of salvation in someone. You can stop someone from taking the gift God has given them...the gift of life.
You can donate time visiting old age homes,hospitals,children hospitals, & homeless shelters. The list goes on and on.
Everyone has hard times. I know your young and want your hearts desire. God is not finished with you. He has great plans for you. It has to be in His time,though. Pray about it and don't expect it to happen right then and there.
I actually think this young man does not deserve you. I think there is someone out there who needs a loving woman,who will serve the Lord beside of him. This may be an old fashioned way of thinking,but when you do find the one God wants you to be with...save yourself for marriage. One of my favorite old sayings is...why buy the cow when you can get the milk free. Not to mention it is sin. I hope that this has helped in some way. You even be mad at some of the things I have said. But that is o.k. too. Just know that you are loved by God,your parents,others on here, and by me. Please stay here and help further God's kingdom.
If you are still having these thoughts,find a doctor who will help. Not one that sees you as a dollar sign. There are many of them out there. Find a church and get involved with their activites.
God's grace be upon you. I will be praying for you and for your parents. God bless you!

Mel-S Wrote:I will not date anyone ever again until my ex comes around (he says never one week, then maybe we can date again the next, the never AGAIN the next) and I will not marry or date anyone else. People are telling me you want someone to love and cherish you but it may not be your ex and stuff like that. I've said I don't want ANYONE else (IF) my (ex)boyfriend doesn't come around. NO ONE. I will be alone for the rest of my life if possible!

^ That above will answer the question of tishlea's statement here:

tishlea Wrote:this young man does not deserve you. I think there is someone out there who needs a loving woman,who will serve the Lord beside of him. This may be an old fashioned way of thinking,but when you do find the one God wants you to be with...save yourself for marriage.

I do not want anyone else unless it's my exboyfriend... i believe he was put on this earth for me, saved or unsaved. He can still be saved as I prayed for and we can be one with Christ together. He still isn't saved and is with yet ANOTHER Christian girl... who WAS my best friend... and she's bisexual as well. *I* can be that Godly woman for him because I am heterosexual, and already saved my heart to be with only him. I am that committed for that.

The illness on my father as well as the death of my mother's loved one is tearing me apart on top of this. My mom could have a heart attack because of mere stress, she is STILL smoking too. And that's on top of all of this. My life has been from good to WORSE in the last year. And I've already said therapy does not work at all. Been to several. Doesn't work at all for me. NONE of them. I believe that the more I pray, the more things seem to get backwards or WORSE and as you can see, IT HAS. I've been praying, only for things to get worse and worse and worse, and it's not good for my health. I have not eaten well, all I do is lie in bed... I wanted to kill myself last night. I just couldn't take this turmoil, and this pain anymore. I've already been diagnosed with clinical depression, so yes, I do have a mental disorder. And as you can see it's gotten worse within a year. I still want my desires to be fulfilled (and not otherwise either!):

-Mom to stop smoking for good and for her health to improve (hasn't happened yet)
-Dad to be completely healthy from all health problems (I don't mean healed by dying either)
-(Ex)boyfriend to be saved and for he and I to reunite our relationship and eventually turn it into marriage. (no ifs, ands, or buts, nor 'changes' in this prayer, even though he has another girlfriend at this moment)
-Graduate college (which is a struggle because I haven't been to college in 2 days because of these situations)
-Get a kitten or two (I'm at the point it will not happen unless I move or something, but I can't even care for myself)
-To go to Japan (and hopefully get a summer home there) (still there)
-Gain weight (muscle) (I want to gain 35 pounds at least to be a healthy 125; I am 85 lbs., and have muscle tone as well) (because of these situations, I gave up on that. I'm still 85 lbs too)
-For all of us (mom, dad, myself, and (ex)boyfriend and perhaps the kittens) to be one big happy and healthy family and be together as in-laws, husbands and wives and family. (no ifs, ands, or buts about this one either)
-better finances (it's still a struggle right now)

Things go backwards and down instead of up and forward and I cannot take this turmoil anymore. My life is a wreck. I'm a huge depressed mess. NOTHING is going better. The only thing God has given me is another day to live... but I have to ask why am I still living in this turmoil? Is He still working on my prayers, or has He given up on me and my prayers? Because my mom said God CAN take his hands off me and forsake me as His child and help those who are more grateful or "more faithful" to Him. Has He done that? Has he forsaken me? Is that why my life is Hell on earth? I still want my desires fulfilled... until I'm dead and gone in this world, my desires are still in my heart, exactly the way I prayed for, no ifs ands or buts.... but of course this turmoil makes me want God to take my soul while I'm asleep... I want to go to Heaven right now. I cannot take this "imperfect" hell on earth anymore. What can I do if I can't kill myself? I can't (and will not) go to therapy. I can't go Church because I work on the weekends and have school during the week (coming home at 6:00pm because classes end at 5:00pm). Is He still working on my prayers, or has He given up on me and my prayers? I don't know what's left. Tell me please. I really want to know. (and please do not say the same things you have told me already... it's not helping me much at all, to be truthful... I mean I do want advice, but please not the same advice...)

~Mel-S




I do not want anyone else, nor will I find anyone else either. I only want my exboyfriend to come around, to get saved and come to me once more so we can be one with Christ together, or else forget love or marriage for me.

2 beautiful post replies, by Adoring1 & Tishlea.

God Is Impressing on my heart that for some reason you are afraid of death, your own mortality, those around you dying. We all die, eventually.
Your need for love is normal, human, you want this, but your fear is blinding you to the answers that are right before you.
Don't really have more to add to the these two lovely posts' suggestions & prayers already given you.
I think you are hitting bottom in your life, crisis stage, which many if not all Christians face. A time of turnaround for you.
You can take in what is given here & elsewhere, grow in The Lord by His Goodness, or remain trapped in despair & sinking, mortality.
Our life is in JESUS CHRIST, we die of the flesh, that we are born to eternal life.
Death Mel, is not to be feared.
If you loved your boyfriend as you love Christ Jesus, with all of your heart, souls, mind, body, you would be strengthening in HIM, not falling to pieces that you can't get yourself back up.
We are mortal souls, our lives go on ONLY through HIM, that gave HIS LIFE FOR us.
Death is not to be feared. Embrace the love in your heart & take the advice here that others give you, of GOD, those that care for you.
I pray you take to heart what Adoring1 & Tishlea have written to you.
I am in agreement with these prayers for you, Mel.
In Jesus' Name I pray.

Mel-S Wrote:

Mel-S Wrote:I will not date anyone ever again until my ex comes around (he says never one week, then maybe we can date again the next, the never AGAIN the next) and I will not marry or date anyone else. People are telling me you want someone to love and cherish you but it may not be your ex and stuff like that. I've said I don't want ANYONE else (IF) my (ex)boyfriend doesn't come around. NO ONE. I will be alone for the rest of my life if possible!

^ That above will answer the question of tishlea's statement here:

tishlea Wrote:this young man does not deserve you. I think there is someone out there who needs a loving woman,who will serve the Lord beside of him. This may be an old fashioned way of thinking,but when you do find the one God wants you to be with...save yourself for marriage.

I do not want anyone else unless it's my exboyfriend... i believe he was put on this earth for me, saved or unsaved. He can still be saved as I prayed for and we can be one with Christ together. He still isn't saved and is with yet ANOTHER Christian girl... who WAS my best friend... and she's bisexual as well. *I* can be that Godly woman for him because I am heterosexual, and already saved my heart to be with only him. I am that committed for that.

The illness on my father as well as the death of my mother's loved one is tearing me apart on top of this. My mom could have a heart attack because of mere stress, she is STILL smoking too. And that's on top of all of this. My life has been from good to WORSE in the last year. And I've already said therapy does not work at all. Been to several. Doesn't work at all for me. NONE of them. I believe that the more I pray, the more things seem to get backwards or WORSE and as you can see, IT HAS. I've been praying, only for things to get worse and worse and worse, and it's not good for my health. I have not eaten well, all I do is lie in bed... I wanted to kill myself last night. I just couldn't take this turmoil, and this pain anymore. I've already been diagnosed with clinical depression, so yes, I do have a mental disorder. And as you can see it's gotten worse within a year. I still want my desires to be fulfilled (and not otherwise either!):

-Mom to stop smoking for good and for her health to improve (hasn't happened yet)
-Dad to be completely healthy from all health problems (I don't mean healed by dying either)
-(Ex)boyfriend to be saved and for he and I to reunite our relationship and eventually turn it into marriage. (no ifs, ands, or buts, nor 'changes' in this prayer, even though he has another girlfriend at this moment)
-Graduate college (which is a struggle because I haven't been to college in 2 days because of these situations)
-Get a kitten or two (I'm at the point it will not happen unless I move or something, but I can't even care for myself)
-To go to Japan (and hopefully get a summer home there) (still there)
-Gain weight (muscle) (I want to gain 35 pounds at least to be a healthy 125; I am 85 lbs., and have muscle tone as well) (because of these situations, I gave up on that. I'm still 85 lbs too)
-For all of us (mom, dad, myself, and (ex)boyfriend and perhaps the kittens) to be one big happy and healthy family and be together as in-laws, husbands and wives and family. (no ifs, ands, or buts about this one either)
-better finances (it's still a struggle right now)

Things go backwards and down instead of up and forward and I cannot take this turmoil anymore. My life is a wreck. I'm a huge depressed mess. NOTHING is going better. The only thing God has given me is another day to live... but I have to ask why am I still living in this turmoil? Is He still working on my prayers, or has He given up on me and my prayers? Because my mom said God CAN take his hands off me and forsake me as His child and help those who are more grateful or "more faithful" to Him. Has He done that? Has he forsaken me? Is that why my life is Hell on earth? I still want my desires fulfilled... until I'm dead and gone in this world, my desires are still in my heart, exactly the way I prayed for, no ifs ands or buts.... but of course this turmoil makes me want God to take my soul while I'm asleep... I want to go to Heaven right now. I cannot take this "imperfect" hell on earth anymore. What can I do if I can't kill myself? I can't (and will not) go to therapy. I can't go Church because I work on the weekends and have school during the week (coming home at 6:00pm because classes end at 5:00pm). Is He still working on my prayers, or has He given up on me and my prayers? I don't know what's left. Tell me please. I really want to know. (and please do not say the same things you have told me already... it's not helping me much at all, to be truthful... I mean I do want advice, but please not the same advice...)

~Mel-S




I do not want anyone else, nor will I find anyone else either. I only want my exboyfriend to come around, to get saved and come to me once more so we can be one with Christ together, or else forget love or marriage for me.

I might add, my comment as to how you love your boyfriend is how we are to love The Lord God. But if you love your boyfriend as you say you do, completely as you describe, it would strengthen your love for God, not make it weaker. Love is not dependent on another's actions toward us.
This is what leads me to believe that somehow you are fearing horribly death, mortality, your own, your parents, those you love.
To the point you are even contemplating taking your own life.
This is not HOME, Mel.
One last point to make. I think you are going to have to grieve the loss of your boyfriend which has nothing to do with your desire to be with him someday (even in Heaven), this is about here & now, to let go enough in your daily life that you can function. What good are you to him or anyone if you will not take charge of your own life as you are able? PLEASE take in the post replies Mel, you act as if noone understands you, so much so you are blinding yourself.
Tishlea gave you a list of things you can do to take action.
She & Adoring1 have spoken from their hearts, we come to you as Christians here that we care. At some point Mel you have to take charge & grasp ahold of God. That is what He Is Waiting for.

God Bless you.

Dearest Mel,
I am praying for you especially hard because I have been there. It is not worth it. God has a plan for you. He made you perfect the way you are. Dont let the enemy win - dont let the enemy convince you that your life is worthless. Love yourself. God loves you, thinks you are perfect, and made you to be who you are. Ask the holy spirit to fill your mind body and soul. Ask God to carry you through this tough time, and protect you from the enemy. Imagine a gold light circling through your body, ridding of all of the black horrible stuff and ask God to embrace you. You will feel it I promise!
What do you want in life? children, happiness, marriage, etc - how will you do that if you let the enemy win?
You, and everyone else here deserves continual happiness, its not for other people its for YOU!
Stay strong!

This is not uncommon for someone your age to believe, but you love in your heart so huge Mel, that you I believe are not able to imagine you can go on in yourself without those you love on this earth.

There is some fear in you that you are attached in such a huge way (this is not bad but that you are completely falling apart, you are needing help to retrain yourself to become whole in JESUS) to your loved ones, but I think if you can deal with this directly, in counseling (Christian counseling preferably), that you will then be able to transfer this to Eternal Life & not fear the idea of death.

That is the beauty of being a Christian, that we live by faith, knowing there is Eternal Life. I think you are stuck right now & need help getting past this. It says a lot about you that you love as much as you do, your family, friends, bfriend, etc., HOWEVER, God Loves You & HE Is Needing you (I believe) to understand ....

you are ok with HIM. you're hitting bottom Mel.
we as Christians do that at times, often once in a big way! then grab ahold of GOD. this is where you are defined, set apart with GOD, & made new by HIS LOVE.
Those you love & that love you will not go away, if they have His Name on their forehead, they will live eternal as well...
Get a grip >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> of GOD.
(HE IS our LIFELINE>>> to HEAVEN)

Things are not working out for me at all... I appreciate the comments, prayers, etc... but seriously, as soon as I posted, something else had to ruin my day. My mom yelling at me. Saying if something were to happen to both of us (meaning her and my dad) I'm going to end up getting checked into an institution because I cannot take care of myself or do anything for myself. She says all she does is serve me food (since I cannot cook) and do everything and I don't do a thing for myself. I'm 'messing up in school' but the term JUST started and this situations have gotten me to stay home and she told me herself I had to stay home so HOW am I messing up in school when classes JUST started back and SHE told ME to stay home because of the inclement weather and dad being in the hospital?! HOW AM I MESSING UP IN SCHOOL? Tell me! My mom is bringing my already low spirit lower. As my day (as painful as it is to wake up to it) is already messing up. My mom told me my dad is in a lot of pain in the hospital because of the broken hand, broken opposite arm, and his recent kidney infection on top of his heart problems. NOW can you tell me why my life isn't worthless? How can I be afraid of death when I want to kill myself? I'm just afraid where I will end up if I do it, which is why I haven't done it! I'm afraid of life in general. I do not like life as it is right now. I cannot take charge of my own life, because I have no where to go at this point... no where at all. I'm still stuck at home, with my mom mad, angry, worried, etc. about my dad in the hospital and ME in this state. Mom thinks I do not care for her or my father anymore just because I went on here to post my prayers/comments before I could have the chance to say good morning to her. And now I'm getting yelled at and getting these bad comments from her. My life is hell, tell me again why it's not worth killing myself over... I'm lost entirely... Lord... what can You do to turn things around... i mean right this second? The world is falling at my feet... and I'm afraid I may up falling with it... Help...

~Mel-S