I would hope that no one misjudges what I am going to reveal here. I have been married for 19 years and have been faithful to my husband even though he is abusive and neglectful. The past 2 years have been the worst and things have happened to hint at him being unfaithful but in reality there is no concrete proof as in a person or evidence related to a person that would prove this. Also my husband works a lot and is blue collar and cannot lie about being at work since he doesn't have an office or out of town job. So since he works so much he really doesn't have time for an affair and when not at work spends time at home albeit mostly working outside or in the garage. I even requested cell phone records and there is nothing amiss there. I even put a spy program on his computer and no funny email accounts or dirty websites showed up. I hacked into his old phone and it is permanently broke so he can't surf the web on it in secret. Even though he states and there were no friends on it he made a facebook account that I didn't know about. He said it was to contact relatives which he said he could not find and that may be true but why put he is interested in women for friendship and put a perverted comment on the page. He says he was angry at facebook because of it being a waste of time in trying to find his relative and said he put all that stuff to be a jerk but I still have my doubts. It is true that there were no contacts and that the account was not accessed for about 6 months from the time I found out about it but I told him he totally disrespected me and our marriage by doing this. What if some other relative of his found that page?

I don't want to make this too long but I am trying to give enough history. My husband has also been emotionally abusive throughout the marriage and tried to be physical but he got it right back. Sometimes he is very loving and at other times he is a complete jerk. So this confuses me and I really don't trust him at all. There is also another thing that happened that I really don't want to state but God knows what it is. I have been so depressed for a long time and feel it is because of my marriage and have even sunk to the depths that suicide was a viable option even though I know that is not the answer. That has abated somewhat but I am still extremely unhappy and I have told my husband so and that he has hurt me too much and the latest incidences have been the straw that broke the camel's back. I told him I have lost a lot of love for him and that I don't trust him and he knows how I feel but I feel he doesn't take it seriously. I have wanted to leave many times but am not since I don't think that is the right thing to do at this time.

I'm really sick of being hurt and unhappy and I don't love my husband anymore even though I have tried to rekindle that feeling. When I look at him he seems like a stranger to me and like I already said I don't trust him at all and don't believe that he really loves me. When he is nice I think he is just faking it and the real him is the abusive jerk. I don't like being deceived and played for a fool and have wasted a lot of years on him and I want a final resolution to this problem. I want to have someone that would need me and love me and be honest and faithful and have integrity and I would give all my love to this person. I know that sounds bad but that is how I really feel. My love has been taken for granted and abused and I've had enough.

To make things more complicated I am drawn to an online friend I have but I've never met him in person and I've not told him my feelings for him. This person seems to have qualities that my husband lacks. But because this friend has integrity he keeps his distance and I hardly talk to him anymore but I cannot seem to get him out of my mind and I even have dreams about him. Perhaps he is my real soulmate or the Devil is playing tricks on me. I don't know. All I know is that I cannot go on like this and if I have to continue to be stuck then I will probably either go literally nuts or take my own life. I'm having trouble functioning in a lot of ways and it isn't getting any better. I would also like to know if this friend is meant to be with me and if so I would like confirmation of this and if not then I would need God to take these thoughts and dreams out of my head.

I would hope that everyone understands that I have given all I can in the marriage and cannot afford to get hurt anymore and it is affecting my health both physically and mentally.