It's been too long since I last posted here...

I've been crying a lot. Over the things I still want to have, yet never got any signs of them. I never dream at night anymore... just darkness. One minute, I'm sleeping, the next I have to wake up. I've been having dreamless nights for the last 2 months now... no dreams whatsoever... I wonder if that's all I'm going to have... a life with no dreams. Because every time I dream, that's all I ever come across... a dream. Never real. Never will happen. Dreaming of me and my ex-boyfriend getting back together: may never happen or what. I wonder if I can get that first tattoo I wanted for my 20th birthday coming up... it'll say 'Single Until Death'. Of course, like I said if God doesn't bring him back, I'm not trying again with any other man whatsoever. I'm not going through the same crap if I can't have that man i want to marry. Why wait? I'm giving Him too many chances on this. A year is close to enough time to wait. I'm not going to have a mate, plain as simple. I'm THIS CLOSE to giving up. I dream so much... just to get crushed. I cry before I sleep, knowing for another dreamless night to come. Wanting a kitten or two: forget it. I'm not moving out anytime soon and finances won't support rent and pets. Japan? It's luck from here on out. Wanting to gain weight and get muscle tone? Gave up on that too. My schedule is too time-consuming to even try to get any workout days. My mom smoking: the more i pray the more she smokes. ...You get the idea. What matters anymore when my desires are nothing but just dreams. Stuff in my head. Reality bites for me now. Nothing works anymore. I tried everything. I got nothing. I don't even pray much anymore... not even before I sleep. I thank God for having me live another day and... that's all. I can't pray for myself anymore. When I pray for others, they get what they want. Me? Nothing but a breeze to the face of reality. I almost feel like I'm worth SOMETHING (keyword: ALMOST.) but... I dunno what anymore. My dad and mom says I'm worth something but I don't. My self esteem has never gone lower... until recent. I have my friends to keep me sane... but deep down inside... there are things I'm still clawing for... but are they worth it anymore? After so long? ...I feel as if my life is so questionable at this time. What next? How long? Where to? ...Nothing comes to me anymore. No presence... No anything. My wit seems to have an end but how much of an end does it have now? I do not know what's left. Advice is appreciated, yes, but... I seriously do not know what else to do.