It's been too long since I last posted here...

I've been crying a lot. Over the things I still want to have, yet never got any signs of them. I never dream at night anymore... just darkness. One minute, I'm sleeping, the next I have to wake up. I've been having dreamless nights for the last 2 months now... no dreams whatsoever... I wonder if that's all I'm going to have... a life with no dreams. Because every time I dream, that's all I ever come across... a dream. Never real. Never will happen. Dreaming of me and my ex-boyfriend getting back together: may never happen or what. I wonder if I can get that first tattoo I wanted for my 20th birthday coming up... it'll say 'Single Until Death'. Of course, like I said if God doesn't bring him back, I'm not trying again with any other man whatsoever. I'm not going through the same crap if I can't have that man i want to marry. Why wait? I'm giving Him too many chances on this. A year is close to enough time to wait. I'm not going to have a mate, plain as simple. I'm THIS CLOSE to giving up. I dream so much... just to get crushed. I cry before I sleep, knowing for another dreamless night to come. Wanting a kitten or two: forget it. I'm not moving out anytime soon and finances won't support rent and pets. Japan? It's luck from here on out. Wanting to gain weight and get muscle tone? Gave up on that too. My schedule is too time-consuming to even try to get any workout days. My mom smoking: the more i pray the more she smokes. ...You get the idea. What matters anymore when my desires are nothing but just dreams. Stuff in my head. Reality bites for me now. Nothing works anymore. I tried everything. I got nothing. I don't even pray much anymore... not even before I sleep. I thank God for having me live another day and... that's all. I can't pray for myself anymore. When I pray for others, they get what they want. Me? Nothing but a breeze to the face of reality. I almost feel like I'm worth SOMETHING (keyword: ALMOST.) but... I dunno what anymore. My dad and mom says I'm worth something but I don't. My self esteem has never gone lower... until recent. I have my friends to keep me sane... but deep down inside... there are things I'm still clawing for... but are they worth it anymore? After so long? ...I feel as if my life is so questionable at this time. What next? How long? Where to? ...Nothing comes to me anymore. No presence... No anything. My wit seems to have an end but how much of an end does it have now? I do not know what's left. Advice is appreciated, yes, but... I seriously do not know what else to do.

Child of God, your worth is not based on what you have, your worth is based on who you are. You are depressed because you can't have it your way. Guess what God's way is the way to go. He will not waste this wilderness experience. He is for you and I think that deep down you know it. You not getting what you want and being depressed is kinda selfish. You know that the evil one wants to steal your joy and you are letting him. God may have a man for you that is ten times the man you are grieving for. Yet you cling to the one you lost. Get out of bed, wash your face and take courage. Our God is for us. He said that he knows the plans he has for us, plans to propser us and to give us a hope and a future. You are in his plans and not excluded. Stop believing the lies of the enemy. You are more than a conquere by Christ Jesus. You can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens you. Today is the day of your salvation. You have not been forgoten by God, you have forgoten who you are.

Father, please show Mel that you are still waiting on her...waiting to hear the words that will empower you to act in her behalf. Waiting to hear that she is ready to follow you and to seek your face...to walk on the path that you have for her rather than trying to claw out one on her own. Father whisper to her yearning heart your love for her. Help her to feel your presence and your love. Father touch her and fill her with your Holy Spirit that she may know the true peace that your word speaks of. You are such a patient God and a loving one. Help her to truly see that part of your character and to fall in love with you. Lead and guide her Father and give her your comfort that she might trust that all that you have given you have given for her good. And all that you have withheld you have withheld for her good also. Help her in every area of need. In Jesus name...Amen!