So... if I were to... not kill myself... and try to "make my life better (but how)" but still pray on these desires and hope they come true exactly the way I prayed for... then... will God work on making them true...? I've been through so much turmoil... I need these things to happen so bad... it's more of needing these things... I don't care for money or fame or to be something truly big... I'm just a person with big dreams... and the way things are right now, it's like they are not going to happen... none of them... and that's why I'm afraid of the future... that these things won't happen and my future would not be the future I wanted to have, you know? ...why I'm so afraid of life as I know it... I mean... I want to choose it, I want to choose life... it's just so hard to live it. I'm trying and hoping to not kill myself because I could lose my miracles because they might happen before I die... if I were to die... These suicidal thoughts have been going off and on since I was 13... because whenever I pray, things get worse or things happen the exact opposite way I pray for... like...

Like... If I don't kill myself... will there be a chance that my exboyfriend will come back to me, even though he has another girlfriend...? ... and be saved, if I don't kill myself...? I'm still pining for him so much... Will my mom stop smoking for good? ...Will my dad be healed from his health problems? ...will I actually be that animator I wanted to be since I was 9...? ...ever since these situations happened, I could not go to school for 2 days... and I could be 'dropped' from the courses or college all together if it were up to the college administration... will all of my desires, and they are my deepest ones, be fulfilled...? all of them...? I'm trying to trust God... and not take my life... but I'm scared at the same time... I'm scared...

God... I'm sorry! ...I know you're grieving for me... I know if I take my life, whether I live or die from it, there are consequences either way... and I'm scared of what my future holds... I don't want a life I do not want to have... meaning that my desires be unfulfilled and all hope in those are lost forever... I want a life where these desires that are my deepest are fulfilled and I can be happy again... I want things to turn around fast and now... my desires mean my life... and as you can see, I threatened to take my life when all seem lost and hopeless... You know, Lord, that I really want... and NEED these things to happen because I'm scared to know whether these things will happen or not, and I don't want a life I do not want to have... I don't want to give up on my desires... NONE of them, no matter what my life seems now (which is a wreck right now) and many things are unanswered or gone worse than before... but I still want these things... I'm trying my hardest to wait and have faith that all of these things will happen... I don't want my mom to die because of her smoking troubles... I don't want my dad to develop more health problems and succumb from them... I want them both to live long enough for me to get married to my exboyfriend... I don't want to marry anyone except him... Another man (whether I know him or not) is not what I want... I am holding myself off until You work on Him somehow, because even though he has another girlfriend, he still isn't saved... And I feel I can be that Godly wife for him... he said he wasn't happy with me, but things can change to have him miss me and be happy with me once more... just him I want to marry... otherwise, I don't want to marry at all if he isn't my husband at all... A house in Japan for us (me and my ex) to live in, which is where I wanted to go since I was a small child... kittens, for me to gain weight (which is nearly impossible right now thanks to these things happening and my schedule and eating fast food definitely won't help much)... all of these things and more is all I ask for... that's all I can ask for... I don't want anything else... Lord, I'm sorry... I want to have my life... but I'm just afraid to live it... I'm afraid... help me Lord... my future is at stake... a future only I could want... nothing more or less, just these things... All of these things mean everything to me... please help me... I can't take it anymore God... Forgive me... just show me how my life is worth living again... I'm going to try to not take my life... but I just don't know how to live my life and still expect these things to happen... will they happen Lord...? Will all of these things I could ask for happen...? Show me they will... please Lord, show me that they all will... they mean my life to me... Forgive me and help me please... please... My desires are as deep as the seas you created... please... please work on fulfilling them... but help me and show me my life is still worth living somehow... because i don't see it worth living anymore... please God... help me.