#1. God is not a ginnie in a bottle to "help" us to get our way.He has His plans for us.
#2. You are right to say that you were trying to be what you were not. And I hear you - you are tired...Good. We get nowwhere by our "works". We can do nothing to "deserve" anything of God. In fact, our own righteousness is like filthy rugs to God. He alone is righteous.
#3You are in a good spot - tired, broken, lonely, despising fo yourself... You are right - you are worthless on your own, same way I am and same way your friends who seem to you more sucessfull.. And your life (and theirs and mine) is but a vapor - today here and tomorrow - whew - gone. And we are all helpless...That is a first step - to acknowledge our own state of helplesness. We are all BORN sinners and again the hight standard of God nothing we DO can stand.
#4 You have a greast longing in you - longing for love, meaning...you see, you were made by God for one purpose only - FOR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. That longing can't be fulfilled by anyone and nothing else. That is why you are hurting - your sould longs for HIM. Money, worldly relationships, achievements - none of these can't fulfill - they distract for some time...We need relationship with the greates of all - Perfection, God.. But sin, in which we were born prevents us from the relationship with Holy God.
#5Yet - God loved us so much He gave His only begotten Son that WHOEVER (any worst sinner and any worst looser, whoever) believes in Him can have the everlasting life. Life in relationship with HIM!
#5 Jesus is the SON of GOD, His perfect plan of our salvation from our helpless state..Your SAVIOR and He is waiting for you to give your hwaert, your life life to HIM.

All you have to do is to acknowledge in your heart that you are sinner, falling short of His glory, that you need Him desperately, that you repent (turn away, give up) an all your sins and acknowledge Jesus as the Son of God, YOUR, intimately your savior, whose blood is the only possible provision for your sisns and the only way you can be saved, wahsed clean, be renewed for a relationship with God for eternity. By His blood He washes away your sins once aqnd for ever and by His Holy Spirit He gives you new life - you are then Born Again. Fresh, clean, loved for ever... He will give you a new heart, new mind, new life in and with Him. You can do nothing on your to get ther - you need this honest genuine talk with Him... Just ask, He waits. You will see.

You see, it is not at all about the worldly stuff - all these things we see are temporary and ultimately empty. The truth is that Your are hurting in your soul.. The enemy tried to fool you in the past that if you commit siucide, it will help it. But suicide is leaving your body - which is temporary anyway, while your hurt is in your soul, which is everlasting.. If you die withput being born again, that hurt and emptiness which is there because of our deepest longing for God will be there for ever. You see how the deceiver, the lier tried to destroy you like that? Imagine hrting like ths for ever while He, Holy God, DIED and rose again that you might have an eternity, secure eternity with HIM - the ultimate fulfillment....It is finished, done - all for you, you have to only accept it. This grace is so overwhelming. Enemy is already a looser - Christ said it is finished - He won for ever, but enemy is trying hard to prevent as many as possible from coming to saving faith and to have them lost for eternity.. You were one of them - dont remain there. It is your choice.