I want to have a change of heart but as a human I need to know that I am not wasting my time like I did all those years ago in trying to be something that I was not. I need to know that God believes in me. I can not make a fool of myself ever again for a God that does not acknowledge me. Daily I prayed and tried giving my best. He can help others so what's so wrong in helping me?

I did everything--tried to be the perfect little thirtysomething virgin, helping others as much as I could, volunteering with the dying, praying, weekly mass, etc. In return I watched several friends and family get married, have kids, lead happy and successful lives. Many graduated from college with high degrees and landed very good jobs. What did I get? Let's see an F in Algebra that made me suicidal to the point that I had to be hospitalized for a week and two surgeries for uterine fibroids that have probably left me infertile, a string of bad relationships with men and back home living with my parents at almost 40 years of age. As you can see I have accomplised so much.

I could go on and on about the people who would never acknowledge God or so much as even lift a finger to help someone in need yet they got their "blessing" and came out on top anyway. In the end stupid little Tania is still hurting and wondering what to do next while the rest of the world passes by and people wonder why I feel this way about God after praying for his guidance and help and thanking him. I feel I have earned the right to be angry.