...Lost Love... I've said it once and I've said it again... I've given up on guys until he comes back or if things do not work... I've heard the same thing from my mom and dad already... they didn't follow those words either, otherwise they wouldn't have each other in the first place... Some people have never been married or had a boyfriend at the age of 40 and they believe God has destined them to be alone. If things do not happen between me and him, I will be destined to be alone because I rather be alone forever than to not have him as mine... No one seems to understand this at all... not even God.

I had a long talk with daddy today... even he was sorry that this happened... he still wants us to be together. He told me that I have so much love... and faith that I don't even know that it's there... that it can happen before I even know it... poor dad has a cold though right now... I'm praying for that too though... But seriously... I will not even try to "move on" or "find another guy" because it's not because I'm afraid to, I just don't want to. I choose not to. I rather be alone forever than to not have him as mine. I love that man... what's the point of going through this over and over like most women do? Why can I not just have this one man that I'm praying to be with and desire to be with? Eve only had Adam. It didn't say in the Bible that Adam left her and she had to find another man... My dad still has hope for us, my mother does not. She thinks he doesn't love me just because he had family visit me and he couldn't come visit me and thinks he puts things in my head to make me leave him and not respect my decision. My dad thinks I should never give up on my dreams and desires and to have more faith and truly believe in them and to give God credit in advance to having those dreams come true. I'm like fighting a way by myself because I have two people who loves me but is giving me different opinions and advice. I love this man and NO ONE seems to understand... no one does. No one realizes that I rather be alone and not have another man in my life than to not have him as mine. I want this man as mine. I was happy when we were together. I was happy because I had these three in my life. Now it's falling apart because I'm trying to follow my own heart and they are not understanding me at all. I feel like I am already alone in this battle and I have these desires that are pure of heart and that I feel that it's meant to be! My life means nothing without them. I rather die now than to not have these pure desires. Of love, of heart, of goodwill and respect, all of these things and more and no human can understand it... not even my own parents... not even my ex. They all tell me not to get my hopes up. So does that mean I just lose faith in God because He's not answering my prayers yet? Does that mean that I'll be like "oh okay so my dreams are meaningless because I'm just as imperfect and unworthy as most people in the world and what I dream of isn't worth it?" ...I've heard it too many times... and I already know what I want to have in order to be happy. I want my mom, dad, and my ex to come to an understanding that THIS IS WHAT I WANT, not only WANT, but NEED for this to happen with no other people because I rather be alone and die alone than to not have this happen. And that is from my heart. And I hope even God understands it... because it seems that He doesn't right now... My mom has officially given up all hope on my prayers because she thinks this will never happen and she wants to be right about it... My dad still wants me to have faith. My ex is weaning in the middle. I love those three to death... if there were a choice between me, my mom, my dad, and my ex to die, I would volunteer myself. ...Lost Love, I know you mean well... but seriously... what I want is what I've been praying for all this time... and nothing is going to change that... nothing will.

~Mel-S