Guest
Unregistered
|
Black Sheep
Never have I felt like I belong in this family. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to "fit in". Whenever there's a happy moment in my life I can't help but think it won't last for long. I always try to please my parents, I don't party or use drugs, I never stay out late, and yet my parents don't seem to notice that I do this for them. My sisters are the opposite of me, they can't be without a boyfriend, they can't be without their friends, they have a bond with each other and I feel so left out. Whenever I come home from work or school they're shut away and don't bother to say a simple hello. It hurts that my little sister looks up to the eldest and that my older sister can't grow up. I dislike that she influences the younger in her use of language, encourages her to have relationships, basically wanting to mold her into a version of herself.
It doesn't help the least bit that I am the type of person who can't forgive. I have a horrible temper and I honestly admit it. I wish I can say my problem lies only on them...that they are at fault for making me feel like an outsider. It's not this way. I hate myself for getting mad at them every day, I hate how I tire of people easily. I hate how I get annoyed of every little thing. I try to control my temper but instead of doing so I put on a cold exterior and confront them with everything. I repeatedly tell myself I don't care, that it's okay and I don't need them. To them I am heartless, they say they wonder if I even have a heart. I didn't cry when my aunt passed away, I hide all signs of weakness... I never show how much they hurt me by saying these things to me and instead I act ,like that im okay with it.
Right now I feel worthless, I wish God should never have allowed me to be here. Why can't I have the bubbly personalities of my sisters and instead cursed me with this serious one? Sometimes I wish i could be like them- to have my world revolve around friends and gossip. I feel as though they see me as lame for not caring about friends or having relationships.
I pray to God to give me the knowledge i need to get my degree as soon as I can so I can leave this house. They dont include me in anything so they won't care if I'm gone. Sometimes I think if i rebel against my parents they'll start to notice me. It's stupid and childish thinking I know, but I need to get this out. I am a person who can achieve anything I put my mind into with the help of God ofcourse, and I can't wait til the day arrives when I have completed my education. I won't be like my older sister who chose people over eduication. I will become someone who my parents will recognize and be proud of.
I do love God- I know he is the only one who can save me from myself. I realize my way of thinking will not bring me happiness nor relief, but when I finally manage to find a sliver of hope I manage to put up my walls and shield myself again. I'm tired of being alone. Will God even hear my prayers when I hold grudges towards my family?
|
|
| 02-23-2015 03:10 AM |
|
