Mel-S Wrote:Want to know what's been going on to make me have these thoughts?
~Mom had to go to the hospital during the beginning of the year
~I had been betrayed by who I thought was my best friend... she was the one who got with my exboyfriend... and SHE was the one who I poured my heart to, and I get betrayed in a crucial, thieving act.
~Dad had to go to the hospital yesterday morning (thankfully released several hours later)
~We had received news of a death in the family last night (it was my mom's uncle who died of cancer)
~I'm currently hurt and literally sick to my stomach and has had no sleep in the last 24-48 hours
-Dad had to go back to the hospital AGAIN tonight because he has blood in his urine (JUST Found out from my mother that he has a kidney infection...!)
-and Dad fell down the stairs as he was walking to the van so my mom can drive him to the hospital for said above reason and she doesn't know if he broke his arm when he fell or what (He has indeed broken his hand from the fall... AND he sprained or broken the opposite arm as well... :()
I also received an email from my exboyfriend earlier tonight... it read:
"You were not betrayed. She's (my friend who took him away from me) still your friend, regardless of what you may feel. This is what I would call shifting the blame from yourself to her (it's easier to do, after all). She is not a thief. If anything, I'm the thief. It's not betrayal, due to the fact that I specifically told you that we would never come to be. (it's been what... a year?) (<- and he said he didn't say 'never', like last time)
I thought that this was to stop. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this turmoil with your family. However, as I've said before, and will say for the last time, I will not be the one to save you. Leave her out of this."
As if my year and NIGHT doesn't get worse... I am this close to ending my life, actually I've wanted to end it since I was 13 but couldn't muster to do so... but my life is hurting so bad... I want my ex to be saved and to be my husband (so he will not have this attitude or thoughts in his mind and have heavenly thoughts again and we can be one with Christ together), I want all bad things to stop right now...
I will not date anyone ever again until my ex comes around (he says never one week, then maybe we can date again the next, the never AGAIN the next) and I will not marry or date anyone else. People are telling me you want someone to love and cherish you but it may not be your ex and stuff like that. I've said I don't want ANYONE else (IF) my (ex)boyfriend doesn't come around. NO ONE. I will be alone for the rest of my life if possible!
I want my family to stop getting physically and emotionally hurt because it's making me hurt 10 times worse.
I've been having suicidal thoughts as of late. Actually it's been ever since I was 13 years old. Possibly earlier than that. And these thought have gotten stronger than ever. I confess. I want to end my life, only if it didn't send me to Hell in the process. I'm not going to go to therapy or a mental hospital because I have done that and it just won't work. I'm praying and praying but for what cost? Lord please help me... fulfill my desires that I've been praying for almost a YEAR for...! I'm hanging on a thread... Help me please...! 
Mel,
I know the betrayal you must feel. I felt that during my own experience. During the time that I was in love with my friend, his best friend (a friend that I had had since middle school and the one I met him through) was manipulating my entire social group. Every day was some new attack by her and thankful, the Lord has given me good friends who stuck by me during the whole time and never turned on me. However, part of it was to blame on why the man I was in love with and I did not get together (although, other, more important factors were truly to blame for us not being united). I had the very same thoughts you had during the summer and even got onto a bridge a couple of nights in a row, but I felt that I could not go through with it. Why? The Lord reminded me that the people around me, even my friend, loved me and would be broken if I did such a terrible thing. Yes, I was hurting so bad that I didn't know when the pain would stop--I didn't know that the Lord would help me or if I would drown in my own frustration. However, He reminded me that many of those people are not saved and that if I were to take my life, I wouldn't be showing them that I was a Christian--I'd be showing them that I was just like them. They are lost and need the light that shines through me--although it is me that I'm trying to exemplify--the Lord saved me once again, not from eternal damnation, but from my own destruction.
Mel, you cannot allow this to control you. It's obvious to me that your ex has moved on and although you don't always see it, you must believe me that I know what you are going through--and to be honest, when I was first told that my friend didn't want to be with me I swore I'd be alone (that's something I still have to work on to this day!). I thought my way was much better than the Lord's way. The only reason I say this is because I think you've blinded yourself with a fantasy--something I have done myself. I realize how hard and difficult this is to swallow and believe me it will take time to get over. I myself did not go to therapy, but I know that the Lord is the ulimate physician and that He will help you if you ask for it. Are you willing to ask Him to change your heart about the situation?
Rather than focusing so much on what Mel wants or what Mel thinks, why don't you ask the Lord for His opinion? He is able to fill your every desire and able to show you what you cannot see! He can show you what you TRULY want--He can and will heal your broken heart if you ask. However, you have to ask with a believing heart. Do you believe He will fulfill His promises to you? Part of the problem is that you don't know what He would have you to do.
So, I challenge you to open your heart--allow the Lord to show you what to do. Be open to Him, Mel. He's not out to get you--He's the friend that sticketh closer than a brother and He can fulfill every need that you have. He feeds the flocks of the air and flowers in the fields. (See the end of Matthew ch.6 and 7:7-8) I think the verses I mentioned will be encouraging to you. Go to Him--because I really don't think that you have been speaking to Him openly--you've been going to Him as if He were a magic gene, saying I want this and that (I did the very same thing), but He wants you to have more! He wants to fulfill your desires and go beyond!
I don't say these things to hurt you and I do not have a spirit of meanness...I just want you to know that there is someone out here who knows what you're going through, having been going through it for only a few months more than you--there is Light on the otherside and His name is Christ. Go to Him and truly ask for His help!
Please do not be afraid to talk to me and don't be afraid to speak to the Lord. He's the One who can ultimately help you.
Hope this has been an encouragement. Let me know how you are doing.
Sincerely,
Lost Love
