I'm so scared. Sometimes depressed. Feeling guilty about resentment toward mother and like a leech. Husband lives next door with girlfriend and her 2 twenty something son and daughter and their significant others: 3 couples shacking up. I live here with my 2 kids: 17 & 12 and my mother moved in in 2016 after her home foreclosed and she retired. My husband doesn't pay court ordered child support but still has utilities on and mortgage and put car my mom bought so we could get out and me job in his insurance, no money for insurance at time. At first I was more depressed and not really trying to get work but past 1 1/2 years I either get no calls or no job offer after interview. Notany jobs with no degree orvtrade school but I need a job, need some money. The car is 2010 year elantra and I didn't try to go to community college orctrade school because I'm still married and don't think I'd get any or much aid in grants and hard to prove were separated since bills still in his name. Also, I really want to go to culinary program and do what I love: bake even though I don't know if I could live on that but the car wasntcreal powerful to begin with and I'm afraid if I sign up for the program which is also at another county and 40 minutes away the car will die soon and I won't be able to finish and wasted aid. Also I still need a job too and I'm not a spring chicken, I'm older so I'm already exhausted just running kids around and cooking, cleaning, laundry etc don't know how I can do school full time away from hom e and a job and family? I'm no diva. The jobs I've applied to are close to home but low pay; Walmart pays the most besides maybe hospital job I didn't get, dollar stores, grocery, convenience. My mother is buying the groceries and she isn't rich and her pension ended last month so money is tight with her, she is applying for a free phone minutes, needs new clothes. Mtvhusband is getting resentful. I don't want to be dependent on them and obviously it isn't a good thing. My mom could leave or die, she's 75, husband could shut things off. Die. I'm scared. I don't know what my future holds and I know this car won't last forever, maybe not long then I'm really in trouble without a car to go shopping, haircuts, run kids to appointments, after school activities, job, just get out of house. Buses aren't great around here plus hard to shop on bus, we shop every week and I have a small kitchen and one refrigerator. Also, hard to do laundry at laundromat if our washer dryer goes orcww have to move into apartment. Cant afford car but can't afford to not have a car, can't go back to no car and askingy husband's girlfriend to use car to grocery shop or kids events, my husband is a wimp with her also her daughter uses the car besides his girlfriend. I don't think my mom is happy here either, my son has anger issues and I think he's jealous of her and gets rude and obnoxious with her more than with me. My car seems to be slower than before and I don't know if its just because its a small car or its dying, it already has about 47,0000 miles on it. I need a miracle to buy another used car. I don't have money to get car inspected in march without a job and holiday is also coming which is stressful. Imvgrateful to have this car but it doesn't do well on snow and definitely not ice, I slid last year and felt brakes make noise when driving over ice. Prayers my car miraculously keeps going and I have money for inspection , snow tires and anything else. I can't ask my husband to help he's already keeping utilities on and has high balances. Was behind on mortgage for about 7 months and got paperwork for help with mortgage and maybe lower payment from mortgage company but I don't know if approved. I don't have money to pay off high balancesvor get bills in my name, utilities so high here and kids don't save energy. I want to pay the bills myself for me and to know they were paid and not worry about utilities being shut off if my husband doesn't pay or forgets. I know it's not realistic to think car will last forever but I think I would have axserious melt down if car died soon and we had no car to grtbout of house or get around. Prayers for a financial blessing or miracle. Prayers God gives mwcsome kind of sign if he wants me to go to school and aid to pay for it. I want to go to school but if its not meant to be I pray God somehow let's me know and takes away the pain and disappointment and I can somehow make it without going broke or homeless. Prayers I can take care of kids. Prayers I get a job but also can somehow take care of kids, housework, dinner and still take kids to dentist, doctor etc and not burn myself out physically and mentally. Prayers for a good thanksgiving and Christmas for family and I can get party together for my daughter and her friends and our family and have money to pay for food and stuff. Prayers we can buy a roaster to bake in since our oven is broke on inside and only have stove tops and no money to buy a new stove. Prayers our washer and dryer don't die. Prayers fleas on cats die I don't have money to take to vets for our 3 cats. Prayer I can afford to buy some new shits and undergarments for cold temps before pucked over. Prayers my mom gets free phone and some new clothes to wear. Prayers somehow my mom can make some extra money and finances improve. Prayers my family, in-laws and muss Bea get saved before its too late. Prayers my son, 12, starts to change for the better, he's bad and its physically and emotionally exhausting, he's not fun to be around. My husband filed for divorce February 2014 and we're still married and he moved on years ago being involved with simecwomwn online and in person and his girlfriend for past 4-5 years, no money for lawyer and indigent program at county bar association won't do free divorce because of custody and property/mortgage, they only do "simple divorces" and no money for divorce.I feel like I'm in limbo, don't know if there is hidden reason I'm still married to him? Punishment? Blessing I don't know about? He looks at me like a leech. I don't know what to do? I know Walmart isn't something to brag about but it pays more than other stores and if I could possibly go to school hospitals and nursing homes are shift work and retail may work around school schedule. If it wasn't for my kids I would pray to die even though I fear God, things look very bad for my future. My mom is my only human help and she's nice not 75 and a little slow. My husband is probably keeping utilities on for kids not me and he likes my mom. He works till around 2 am, no 9 to 5 or he would probably get kids plus his house is loaded up with his girlfriend and the 4 young adults sleeping in bedrooms and pets. No beds or bedrooms for our 2 kids. Prayers yet again for a jib asap and the car to keep running and also safely. Car is so important. Prayers for new phone, had this for about 3 years and its dying, acting up, things deleted, apps gone, can't reload. Prayers my kids do well in school and daughter graduates in June 2020, she flunked English last year and I still don't know if she passed and got credit for summer school, husband paid for it. She has bad teeth and needs root canals and cavities and needs dental school for root canals and insurance pay for root canals for minors only, she turns 18 in February. She also doesn't seem to care about her teeth no matter what happens I'm afraid she's not going to have teeth as an adult. Prayers for my health and weight. Prayers I can keep going to donate plasma to make $$ till I get a job or in addition to a job.
Thanks. God bless.