RE: Relationship problem..desperately need prayer!
God says we must confess in order to recieve his blessings. This is part of a letter I sent to Colleen. I confess a lot in this letter - until today, only two other people know the facts contained in this letter. I feel that by posting this in the forum, then prayer can be more effective and God may hear everyone's prayers for Colleen, my children, and myself. I edited it slightly to comply with the site rules on postings.
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You know I grew up in a decent neighborhood. We weren’t rich, but we didn’t do without. I wasn’t a really popular kid, but that was OK. Pretty much – I was average. I did good in school until I hit high school, then I only did enough to get by. I was bored.
When I graduated, I was offered a scholarship to Kansas City Art Institute. My parents did not want me to go. Therefore, I went to the local state college. I was told I had to take computer science classes (which was not what I wanted). I was a student there when I met Lisa. We dated for about 6 months and then I was offered the job of assistant manager at a Sambo’s restaurant in Hurst, TX. Lisa went with me, and we got married shortly after that. She got pregnant with Tony a few weeks later.
I lost my job, and we moved back to our hometown. I couldn’t find anything and finally decided on the military so I could provide for Lisa and my child. I was only in basic training for 6 weeks, then had a couple of weeks at Sheppard AFB before I came home to move Lisa down there with me. When I got home, she was HUGE.
Since health care was free, she had all the prenatal care possible. No one had a clue that Tony had any birth defects until the night he was born…then they discovered it by accident. Lisa was already in labor, so they had to do an emergency C-section.
On March 2nd, 1982, Tony was born with hydrocephalus (water on the brain) and myelomeningocele (spinal cord and nerve mass outside the spine and the body) in addition to Spina Bifida. They gave him a less than 1% chance of surviving the night. I was only 19…how do you think I handled this? I don’t remember…but I know it did NOT stop me. I fought on – for me, for Lisa – and especially for Tony. I went to the base commander and asked for a transfer to San Antonio so Tony could be treated at Willford Hall Hospital.
They airlifted Tony and us to San Antonio that night and Dr. Chris Johnson arranged for a neurosurgeon to operate the next day. He was on leave, but came back as soon as he got the call. By the time Tony was one day old, he had already had surgery. During the next 8 weeks in the neonatal ICU, he slowly got better. His prognosis improved drastically. They expected him to have to be in the NICU for about 3-5 months, but Dr. Johnson shocked us one Friday when she called and said to come and get Tony – he was healthy enough to come home. We had been through classes, I even invented a way to bandage up his back so the tape wouldn’t irritate his skin. We accepted that Tony would never walk, and that he would likely be developmentally disabled as well as paralyzed. We knew his life was going to be a struggle, but we were still proud of our son. The day we picked him up from the hospital (we lived so close we could see the NICU windows from our front yard) we had to go buy a car seat, a bed, and a lot of other things that we didn’t think we would need for a while yet.
Fast forward to June 17th. Tony had gone to the doctor once a week since he got out of the hospital. That Friday, he saw Dr. Johnson, and she said he wouldn’t need to come back for a month! I was so happy I almost cried. He was my miracle child – he wasn’t supposed to live, but my son had beaten every one of the obstacles that life threw at him and beat the odds…his prognosis was good but limited. They said his life expectancy was now at greater than 20 years (miracle 1), that the signs of possible mental retardation were almost non-existent (miracle 2) and….he cried when they gave him a shot in his thigh. He had felt pain. No one – not even the doctors – had expected that. They rushed him into another room to give some more tests and he had SOME feeling in his left leg, and a little more in his right. He even kicked a tiny bit when a pen was run across his foot. I lost it…I was so happy….
The next day, Saturday, I don’t remember much about. All I remember was that Caddyshack was coming on TV that night, and I was looking forward to it. I spent a lot of the afternoon taking pictures of Tony, and after his nap he ate dinner and then I held him while Caddyshack was on. I even did this little dance with him like the gopher did whenever that “I’m Allright” song played. He got really grumpy – not normal for him – and we thought he was either really tired or was getting sick. Lisa called Dr. Johnson at home and she had us check a few things; all seemed OK, so we decided to put him to bed.
I had no clue that the last time I would look into my firstborn child’s eyes was when I put him into bed that night.
The next morning – my first Father’s Day as a dad – Lisa got up to fix Tony’s breakfast, and I turned on the bedroom TV. You see, every Sunday, I fed him in my bed while we watched the Bugs Bunny show. A few minutes went by, and I heard Lisa in the kitchen telling me that Tony had slept a little later than normal. She told me she was going to wake him up and bring him to me while his cereal was cooling off. (He wouldn’t eat it unless it was warm.) About 3 or 4 minutes later she walked down the hall, white as a ghost, and all she said was “Sam…”. It was barely a whisper. I looked up and saw her face and I knew right then what was wrong – I found out I knocked her into the wall running into Tony’s room. I didn’t even stop to look – I picked him up and he was gone. Rigor mortis had set in. I screamed so loud the neighbors heard me and came running. My body went limp and I dropped Tony. I dropped my own son. I lost it mentally…when the police got there they called for two more ambulances (one was required because of a child death) for me and Lisa. I don’t think I even talked to her that day…I don’t know. I only know that feeling that the world was over – my world – the minute I held my son’s lifeless body in my arms. My soul almost died that day.
That morning changed me forever. I withdrew, didn’t talk to anyone, hated myself because I killed Tony. The coroner said he died about 4 AM. I woke up at 4 but didn’t get up to check on him. Maybe if I had, then I could have tried to save him. Instead – I did nothing…I killed my only child.
I also blamed Lisa. She didn’t help him. She was his mother – a mother won’t let their child get hurt or die. Things like this didn’t happen. I never knew of anyone I knew who had faced something like this.
I turned into a cold, hateful monster. I only cared about me. When Jeremy was born, yes, I loved him, but I was afraid to get too close to him. It really messed up my relationship with him for a while. By this time, I had mentally beaten Lisa down, and I didn’t care. The world owed me for my son’s death and I wanted my vengeance.
I didn’t know I was only going to take it out on myself.
I forced Lisa to leave me because of the way I acted. I chased away my friends. I didn’t care.
For the next 15 years, all I cared about was hating myself and killing the pain with alcohol and drugs. Of course, my children weren't part of this hatred...I loved them just as I do now, as only a father can love his kids.
I don’t remember a lot of those years – life wasted because I hated myself. Then one day I saw another little boy about 3 months old with Spina Bifida. I was shaking, but I asked the dad if I could hold his son. He looked a lot like Tony. I explained to him about Tony and I guess I was crying because the mom handed me a tissue and told me to dry my eyes…and then she handed me her son.
That’s what it took. That was the minute – the minute I looked at that little boy’s eyes – that I knew Tony would not want me to blame myself or Lisa or anyone else for him dying. It was SIDS is what the coroner said – and in 1983, SIDS was still a mystery. Tony HAD to sleep on his stomach – his spinal cord was on the outside of his body, and if he slept on his side it caused his hips to dislocate.
It wasn’t my fault. Or Lisa’s. Or anyone else.
That baby had the bandage holder on I invented. It made me smile knowing my son had helped this boy, too.
It wasn’t over – I won’t ever completely heal from that trauma – but I can finally accept it.
I still couldn’t let anyone but my children get close to me. Oh, I tried – after all, when you’re supposed to be a couple, you’re supposed to let yourself be vulnerable, right?
I didn’t. I protected my heart and feelings by not letting anyone get to me and love them like I should.
Then I met you. I don’t know what it was – if it was your eyes, your smile, your kiss – but I think your soul reached out to mine on April 27th. Something happened to me that day. I felt things I didn’t remember feeling since I was 19.
Your soul breathed life into my soul. You made me care about something besides myself and my kids. You made me see beauty where I never thought of looking. I really hate that word “soulmates” because everyone uses it too much, but that’s what we have to be. You told me that when we touch you can feel my soul touch you – well, when I look into your eyes, I feel your soul touching mine. Your soul gave mine CPR. You truly did give me life once again.
Then, I am not sure what really has happened between us, but I am NOT going to blame you. I just know that when I tell you I feel like my world has ended, I mean it.
My soul is on life support, waiting for you to touch it once again, to give me life worth living.
For I know my life is worthless without my soul, and my soul cannot exist without you…
And I will pay any price -except one - to feel your soul touch mine once again.
You saved my life, baby – but more importantly, you saved my soul from death.
Please save me again.
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Now, you know the whole story and why I feel like God wants Colleen and I together. I have had 2 other wives and a lot of bad relationships since my first wife and I divorced, and no one could make me feel like Colleen did the moment I first saw her. Since I posted this request earlier today, I feel that God may have started working on her heart, for Colleen and I have texted one abother, and she said a couple of things that make me believe she is starting to have doubts about her path she has chosen.
Please- PLEASE- keep praying. I worry about Colleen, and her children. I know God brought she and I together, and I know He wouldn't have let me fall so deeply in love with her, or let my children love her so much, if He did not intend for it to be a part of His plan.
Thank all of you.
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