I don't know what to do anymore... I know God is there... and I tried to stay strong in Him... but I really do not know if he's there for me anymore... He's there for the people I love and spared my life as a baby... but then what? My desires that I ask for and the answers are holding out on me. I'm starting to think that all of my desires that I ask for can be a "No." When it comes to my mom's smoking, she tries the patch which I was grateful for, then she breaks out in hives, and has to take medication (steroids of all things... does ANYONE know what steroids can do to a person, whether they are the sport-related steroids or others??) to heal the rash. I ask for my dad's healing, then one day my dad's pacemaker goes off when he was on his way to get me and mom from work... I ask for a couple kittens (I've asked for a long time) and I get nothing... I ask for reconciliation of me and my exboyfriend and things seem to go backwards then forwards with no progress at all... I've asked God for so many things I've never deemed as selfish... God seems to answers everyone's prayers but mine ... I feel... angry at God. I thought i had a purpose in life... everyone else already have their purposes even at my age! I do not want to wait for years and years until I've lived half of my life at the age or 30-40-50+ years and STILL don't have my desires...

I'm not being impatient... I'm just tired of disappointments... And I'm starting to be disappointed at God... and I'm tired of living in a world where you will face disappointments every single day. And I'm supposed to ACCEPT and be HAPPY with life knowing I and the world is going through so much and so much hunger and poverty in the world?! That people are getting killed by floods even though God promised to not destroy the world by floods?! Well the floods are still killing millions of people and leaving people homeless... I don't want to leave God... I want to believe Him... but I cannot go on living in a life where God's existence may be just for the faith and nothing else... Even some Christians who are hardcore Christians question God's existence from time to time... and right now, I don't blame them... I never understood God... perhaps I never will until I am dead... but am I worthy of going to Heaven while thinking like this? I don't know... My middle name is Miracle, and yet I don't know what that means anymore... In my heart, I feel that all my desires are nothing to God because in the end it's what HE wants anyway and has some way to make me like it.

For example "Hey, I decided to take your mother to be with Me today even though she was completely healthy, and you're going to have to accept it because I have a plan for You while living without your mother!" Or "Hey I made you and your husband divorce each other and even though I hate divorce I had to do it because it was best even though you guys had a marriage that glorified me!" Or "Hey I know you're asking Me all these things that do seem unselfish and worthwhile to please Me, but they just won't happen no matter how many times you ask for it. You've asked Me these things and believed they were going to come for years, even the ones that involved Me, but in the end, it's what I desire for you to have, not the other way around,a and don't ask Why because It's MY PLAN ANYWAY!" You get the idea... Why bother asking Him for things like healing and financial blessings and restoration, knowing all of those may not be in HIS WILL. I bet if I ask God to get me into a monastery, He'd be pleased because it will have me serve him at all times and have him as my spouse for eternity because He is a jealous God and "doesn't withhold anything from me". He really is withholding a lot of answers... and I'm starting to think all of them are NO. "SO you're praying for your mom's smoking because you want your mom to stop... NO because SHE has to ask for it and it's on HER free will to stop, not because you want her to" "So you're praying for your dad to be 100% healed while he's still in earth... and I do have the power to do that... but I might not do it until I call him to Heaven so he's going to have to live with this heart disease until I call him to Me." "So you're praying for your exboyfriend to come back to you... Sorry but that's not going to happen, no matter how many times you ask because I want to give you the man I want you to marry and even though its not the man you want you're just going to have to accept it because you don't have a choice and he might be better than the one you want, but I'm still going to be a jealous God because I'm supposed to be your spouse!" "So you're praying to gain weight. Sorry but I help those who help themselves so you're going to have to do it yourself. I'm just there for the strength, faith, and support."

You get what I'm saying here... I can go on and on... Things are going downhill... And I'm supposed to accept life going downhill...? I'm supposed to be content and peaceful with all of this stuff happening to me and other people in the world and bad stuff is still going on here? And when I ask God for things and I'm supposed to WAIT until I get my answers... When there's a GREAT chance the answer will just be a NO anyway?! Way to disappoint... No this isn't Satan speaking through Mel... this is Mel, a baby Christian who just doesn't understand who God is anymore... And is starting to think that no matter what i ask for, God is just going to give me what HE wants, not what I want or need, and I have to force myself or God is going to make a way for me to like it... even though it's not what I ask for... and I don't want to wait for years and years and more months and more months just to get disappointed by God again... I gave God 5 months... and everyone is getting what they've ask for... some reunited and is marrying their boyfriends... some are traveling the world... Some are getting financially blessed... and they only asked God ONE DAY PRIOR! Why me, God...? What are you really doing...? Trying to find a way to make me like what YOU have to give me just because You have given me life and a shoulder to cry on and simply because I do not have a choice anyway!? God... I don't understand You anymore... I don't want to leave you... but I don't want to live in a world that thanks to Adam and Eve I have to live in, full of disappointment and likings that only a higher power of God can have and not of the world and the people who ask Him of it... I'm mad at Adam and Eve... I feel sorry for this world... I might never know my purpose, and I don't want wait to find out 10-20 years later... And I feel lost from God... and if He isn't there for Me right now... then how I can be there for Him too...? I don't know what to do anymore... faith as small as a mustard seed? Had that for 5 months with no progress... Maybe I should just not ask God for anything anymore since He already knew what I wanted and needed before I was born and stuff... I'll just sit here until God gives me what He wants because it's not going to be what I have asked for in the end and I'm supposed to like and accept it because He said No. I'm not an unbeliever... but I cannot feel I can be a believer either right now... I'm stuck in the middle of purgatory until my soul is called to either Heaven or Hell, even though I want to go to Heaven because everything is perfect there... and I want to live in a perfect world... Lord I don't know how to live like this anymore... I don't know what to do anymore... I will still wait for God and for His promise for Him to grant the desires of my heart... but if God really says "NO" to ONE, just ONE of the desires of my heart that God said He PROMISED to fulfill... then there is no point in desiring anything when it's only what God wants and how HE wants me to live my life... I'm not giving up on my desires and dreams... None of them because I still want them to come true... and God did promise me the desires of my heart... So I'm going to say this... "God go on and work on my desires because the more I ask, the more things go downhill. There's no point in asking You anymore. I surrender them to You. But if one to most of them is a "No", then that's how YOU want it because it's how YOU WANT MY LIFE... so I give them unto You and expect them all to be fulfilled in its entirety... But do not expect me to be happy and accepting if one goes unanswered or unfulfilled until I'm ready to accept it. Amen."