I don't know what to do anymore... I know God is there... and I tried to stay strong in Him... but I really do not know if he's there for me anymore... He's there for the people I love and spared my life as a baby... but then what? My desires that I ask for and the answers are holding out on me. I'm starting to think that all of my desires that I ask for can be a "No." When it comes to my mom's smoking, she tries the patch which I was grateful for, then she breaks out in hives, and has to take medication (steroids of all things... does ANYONE know what steroids can do to a person, whether they are the sport-related steroids or others??) to heal the rash. I ask for my dad's healing, then one day my dad's pacemaker goes off when he was on his way to get me and mom from work... I ask for a couple kittens (I've asked for a long time) and I get nothing... I ask for reconciliation of me and my exboyfriend and things seem to go backwards then forwards with no progress at all... I've asked God for so many things I've never deemed as selfish... God seems to answers everyone's prayers but mine ... I feel... angry at God. I thought i had a purpose in life... everyone else already have their purposes even at my age! I do not want to wait for years and years until I've lived half of my life at the age or 30-40-50+ years and STILL don't have my desires...

I'm not being impatient... I'm just tired of disappointments... And I'm starting to be disappointed at God... and I'm tired of living in a world where you will face disappointments every single day. And I'm supposed to ACCEPT and be HAPPY with life knowing I and the world is going through so much and so much hunger and poverty in the world?! That people are getting killed by floods even though God promised to not destroy the world by floods?! Well the floods are still killing millions of people and leaving people homeless... I don't want to leave God... I want to believe Him... but I cannot go on living in a life where God's existence may be just for the faith and nothing else... Even some Christians who are hardcore Christians question God's existence from time to time... and right now, I don't blame them... I never understood God... perhaps I never will until I am dead... but am I worthy of going to Heaven while thinking like this? I don't know... My middle name is Miracle, and yet I don't know what that means anymore... In my heart, I feel that all my desires are nothing to God because in the end it's what HE wants anyway and has some way to make me like it.

For example "Hey, I decided to take your mother to be with Me today even though she was completely healthy, and you're going to have to accept it because I have a plan for You while living without your mother!" Or "Hey I made you and your husband divorce each other and even though I hate divorce I had to do it because it was best even though you guys had a marriage that glorified me!" Or "Hey I know you're asking Me all these things that do seem unselfish and worthwhile to please Me, but they just won't happen no matter how many times you ask for it. You've asked Me these things and believed they were going to come for years, even the ones that involved Me, but in the end, it's what I desire for you to have, not the other way around,a and don't ask Why because It's MY PLAN ANYWAY!" You get the idea... Why bother asking Him for things like healing and financial blessings and restoration, knowing all of those may not be in HIS WILL. I bet if I ask God to get me into a monastery, He'd be pleased because it will have me serve him at all times and have him as my spouse for eternity because He is a jealous God and "doesn't withhold anything from me". He really is withholding a lot of answers... and I'm starting to think all of them are NO. "SO you're praying for your mom's smoking because you want your mom to stop... NO because SHE has to ask for it and it's on HER free will to stop, not because you want her to" "So you're praying for your dad to be 100% healed while he's still in earth... and I do have the power to do that... but I might not do it until I call him to Heaven so he's going to have to live with this heart disease until I call him to Me." "So you're praying for your exboyfriend to come back to you... Sorry but that's not going to happen, no matter how many times you ask because I want to give you the man I want you to marry and even though its not the man you want you're just going to have to accept it because you don't have a choice and he might be better than the one you want, but I'm still going to be a jealous God because I'm supposed to be your spouse!" "So you're praying to gain weight. Sorry but I help those who help themselves so you're going to have to do it yourself. I'm just there for the strength, faith, and support."

You get what I'm saying here... I can go on and on... Things are going downhill... And I'm supposed to accept life going downhill...? I'm supposed to be content and peaceful with all of this stuff happening to me and other people in the world and bad stuff is still going on here? And when I ask God for things and I'm supposed to WAIT until I get my answers... When there's a GREAT chance the answer will just be a NO anyway?! Way to disappoint... No this isn't Satan speaking through Mel... this is Mel, a baby Christian who just doesn't understand who God is anymore... And is starting to think that no matter what i ask for, God is just going to give me what HE wants, not what I want or need, and I have to force myself or God is going to make a way for me to like it... even though it's not what I ask for... and I don't want to wait for years and years and more months and more months just to get disappointed by God again... I gave God 5 months... and everyone is getting what they've ask for... some reunited and is marrying their boyfriends... some are traveling the world... Some are getting financially blessed... and they only asked God ONE DAY PRIOR! Why me, God...? What are you really doing...? Trying to find a way to make me like what YOU have to give me just because You have given me life and a shoulder to cry on and simply because I do not have a choice anyway!? God... I don't understand You anymore... I don't want to leave you... but I don't want to live in a world that thanks to Adam and Eve I have to live in, full of disappointment and likings that only a higher power of God can have and not of the world and the people who ask Him of it... I'm mad at Adam and Eve... I feel sorry for this world... I might never know my purpose, and I don't want wait to find out 10-20 years later... And I feel lost from God... and if He isn't there for Me right now... then how I can be there for Him too...? I don't know what to do anymore... faith as small as a mustard seed? Had that for 5 months with no progress... Maybe I should just not ask God for anything anymore since He already knew what I wanted and needed before I was born and stuff... I'll just sit here until God gives me what He wants because it's not going to be what I have asked for in the end and I'm supposed to like and accept it because He said No. I'm not an unbeliever... but I cannot feel I can be a believer either right now... I'm stuck in the middle of purgatory until my soul is called to either Heaven or Hell, even though I want to go to Heaven because everything is perfect there... and I want to live in a perfect world... Lord I don't know how to live like this anymore... I don't know what to do anymore... I will still wait for God and for His promise for Him to grant the desires of my heart... but if God really says "NO" to ONE, just ONE of the desires of my heart that God said He PROMISED to fulfill... then there is no point in desiring anything when it's only what God wants and how HE wants me to live my life... I'm not giving up on my desires and dreams... None of them because I still want them to come true... and God did promise me the desires of my heart... So I'm going to say this... "God go on and work on my desires because the more I ask, the more things go downhill. There's no point in asking You anymore. I surrender them to You. But if one to most of them is a "No", then that's how YOU want it because it's how YOU WANT MY LIFE... so I give them unto You and expect them all to be fulfilled in its entirety... But do not expect me to be happy and accepting if one goes unanswered or unfulfilled until I'm ready to accept it. Amen."

So let me understand...if God says that you cannot have a summer home in Japan and that he will bring you love and a love that is perfected in him but it might be in someone besides the man you are pining for...you will be so angry that you would leave God? Mel...God is not Santa Clause and frankly at 19 years old your maturity level from the things that you say is so very young both in life and in God YOU are not ready for a marriage...you are not capable of standing in the fire of disappointment which is something that has been with us since the beginning of time and will remain in the world forever...his word says so. If your husband disappointed you...did not do something you wanted after marriage would you want to give up on him too? God would be totally irresponsible to give you a mate when you have nothing to contribute to a marriage excepting a belief that you should get what you want...and he won't! Not now...not until you grow to the point of being able to handle life. Have you noticed that when you speak of what you want...you challenge God's wisdom and decisions? Mel, God is sovereign and the spiritual law that governs the way that we are to interact with Him and each other will not change because you do not like it!

God does not break up marriages people do with their selfishness and by thinking exactly as you have written in this post. I did not get what I want and so...I will go off and find another. God has not destroyed the world again by flood; you and I are still sitting here which is proof of that...but yes there will be disasters and people will be hurt and perish...the Book of Revelations and some of the Gospels say that these are the signs that the world is being prepared for the return of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. God is giving warnings to mankind to repent to become more like his Son (obedient to the Father's will) to come into the safety of the Ark of the Covenant before the battle between Jesus and the Raptured church and Satan and the Antichrist. You speak of not wanting to leave God but suggest the possibility you will if you do not receive your answers the way you want.. Let me share with you...that God would grieve for you if you did...but that would only hurt you...God will still go on being God and working on those and for those that are not so stiff necked and rebellious that they that fight against him as opposed to accepting his will for their lives. Sometimes what we want is simply not good for us...God can see much farther out in our futures than we can...and therefore may withhold things that if given now or at all would truly hurt us...far worse than not having them does. As far as a convent or monastary...the key to being accepted with these orders is a calling on your life to be celibate and to spend life in prayer. Rebellion is not acceptable there only total obedience to God is in such an environment...you would not find solace there. The key is you want a perfect world and perfect by your definition...well God tells us over and over the world will never be that way. That is why we are to be IN the world but not OF it! Mel you have a lot of growing up to do...a lot of learning to do in Christ and only doing it will help you to find contentment.

Some things you can change Mel...for example if you want a kitten...buy one and nurture it...that is within your control. Some things aren't... your mother's smoking is her burden to deal with through the Father...and while you would like to see her stop...only she and God can do it. No amount of being angry at God, no amount of temper tantrums will change his will...but your growing in his word and your growing in understanding of his ways will bring you greater contentment in your life. If you want to be unhappy keep on doing what you are doing. It is your life and that is your free will...be as miserable as you want to for as long as you want to. When, however you are ready to accept God for who and what he is...then he will be more than willing to help you grow into the Godly woman he meant for you to be. Below I have entered some scripture written by the Apostle Paul about his life. It is a clear picture of the kinds of things all human beings go through when they choose to stand for God...some fall away under this kind of pressure...but Paul remained faithful and by doing so gave us much of the Word that we rely on for sustenance. His was a life of celibacy...he lived purely to preach and teach the Word. I pray you will gain some insight by reading it and I pray that you stop attempting to sway God with threats and demands...because he loves you He ignores them...but they will continue to upset you until you decide to surrender to Him.

The apostle Paul found his strength in God, He reminds us that...

“I …have …been in prison …frequently, been flogged …severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. …I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. …Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn? If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. …I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. …[God] said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” 2Corinthians 11:23-12:10 In Jesus name...Amen!

Mel God has plan and he know what we are going to ask for before we even ask for it and he know what is better for us and I have even had time where did thing God told me not to so am going to say a little prayer for you now. Dear Heavenly Father please help mel to accpt your will speak to her and show her what it is and help her to grow stronger in you and have total understand of your word and in all of this we give you the honor, glory and priase. IN JESUS NAME I PRAY AMEN.

Which now total always try to start my prayer off this way Dear Heavenly Father thy kindom come thy will be done on her as it is heaven forgive are sin's as we forgive thows who sin aginst and forgive are debt as we forgive are debtor and lead not into temptiantion but deliver us from evil. Dear Heavenly Father Plsase help mel grow realy strong in you. IN JESUS NAME I PRAY AMEN.

I get all of that... but what about God's promise "If we delight in the Lord, He shall grant us the desires of your heart"? Was that not his promise? For 5 months I've prayed for these things... and every day something makes it go downhill. I'm not trying to say that I will leave God if I don't get what I want... but more I'm thinking that I have to constantly remind God of ME... That I think He has forgotten ME... He's blessed everyone else around me and here I am delighting myself in Him... more and more struggle comes and it's getting to me very badly. I am not swaying God with threats and demands... more like asking Him to at least remind me why am I here? The reason why I'm here birth wise is because my mom prayed for a child... she lost 3, but then had me and my life was spared... Mom broke up with dad several times while dating yet here they are still 30+ years going strong because Mom prayed for Dad and Dad may have prayed for her. Like I said, I do not understand God at all... even some bible scriptures has me scratching my head a bit... And also to how can people go through so so sooo much... and then somehow God plays "Superman" and saves them just when they're about to break. I have a lot of growing up to do because I'm just 19 after all right? You say I'm not ready for marriage, but did God really say that or is it just in your heart and experience matters in Christ...? And in cases of disappointment, I'm talking about God disappointing me if I get the answer I do not want to have... of course, many people say God will give you an answer you will not like. Meaning NO. If God doesn't give me the dream home in Japan and he says NO that's fine because it's not like the economy will get any better once I am of age to travel without a guardian, in my opinion, that's how the economy is looking to be at this point. . . It could be a blessing just to spend a day there, but a home there would be a miracle right now. I cannot just buy a kitten and nurture it because where I live at, they charge $50 extra on rent for a dog/cat. The rent is $1000+ dollars and my mother doesn't even like cats. Lose-lose situation until I move out if I ever do. And sure ok, I might just stop praying when it comes to my mother's smoking because it's not of my control anyway, right? And of my dad's health, if it's not His will to heal my dad and have him live with this heart disease until he lives to 90 (if God lets him), then what IS his will when it comes to physical healing? Heaven? Could be the ONLY solution... modern-day medicine won't do it because it is created by man with numerous side effects, like the nicotine patch that had my mom break out in hives. And mom never really wants to go to a doctor or a hospital because God heals everything, but I think God may have led me to look up the side effects on the internet and have my mom go to the hospital because the hives may lead to something more serious and has to be treated immediately... 5 different websites have said that same thing. If I were to mature in Christ in order to "live in content" then what? Sure 10 years can mean 1 second to God, yet some prayers are answered and blessings pour to what other people have desired (none different than my own...) within 10 seconds to us... You said that "you are not capable of standing in the fire of disappointment which is something that has been with us since the beginning of time and will remain in the world forever...his word says so." So what about the next world He might create after we are gone from His rapture? Surely we might not even be in the next world/Earth God might create once Satan is defeated for a season, says the Revelation. Will He make ANOTHER Garden of Eden? Will the same things happen again, only the Earth would be perfect? "On Earth as it is in Heaven" which kind of questions me what the next Earth will be like once this one is gone (if He creates one...) So many "if"s... yet so many answers that we might never get or answers we might never even like... And I've already surrendered unto Him already. I pretty much said I'm done bugging Him and asking Him things that I've asked for... Like He could be telling me "Be quiet and let me work already". So I am. I've already surrendered all of my desires unto Him... I'm just here for the ride right now... I'm not going to ask him anything else at this point because I've already asked Him to much, in my opinion. I don't want to leave Him... but I am just going to sit here on this world of flaws, live while I still can, and see if God really fulfills His promise like He did for so many other people so quickly. God never backs down on His promises, and I've asked him (not demanded) to fulfill these desires of my heart... my faith is still that of a mustard seed, even though I feel the bigger the faith, the bigger the blessing, the quicker the answer. At least to me, but then again, I'm not even sure. I've already said "God go on and work on my desires because the more I ask, the more things go downhill. There's no point in asking You anymore. I surrender them to You." Really, the more I pray for the desires of my heart and expect in high expectations and high in faith that they will be fulfilled, something on one of those desires makes it all the more harder to hold... that goes for every single one... which makes me harder to know what exactly my purpose is to be here in the first place... I may be 19, but most 19 year old men and women have already gotten their purposes in life... some have great careers already... some are married... some have gotten some great financial blessings and a great home... But what about THIS 19 year old? I didn't sway God's wisdom and decisions... or even tried to do so... I'm speaking WITH a purpose... to know exactly why am I here. Why am I going through so much at the young age of 19, knowing I would become like this. God knew I was going to become like this since He knows my life from birth to death... I don't think it would be a shock to Him what I may or may not do next.

Oh don't worry, I'm still praying for these things... just not as much because in the end, I'm only going to get what He approves of. And that still raises so many questions a baby Christian like me does not understand, and may never understand until I see God and Jesus myself face-to-face. Who knows, maybe my faith will increase again and this will be no more... yet maybe it won't. God already knows, just not me or anyone else. I believe in my heart that my desires, that all will be fulfilled... yet God can or can't (depending on the "maturity" level) disappoint in an answer we might not like or not have an answer at all...


Apparently, God will know when I am or I am not ready for something... I'll TRY to stay on my blessings and prayers just for a bit longer... I'm not demanding God or swaying Him or anything... I just don't understand Him... and I really do not understand my true purpose... And I might never know until I reach the age of 50; when I've lived half of my life. Or I might never know until I reach Heaven, if God so takes me there... At this point, I don't think He'll take me if I were to die tonight in my sleep. And if I ask for forgiveness, who knows this might happen again...

I've asked God for too much... I've done things I shouldn't have done too coming up, regretting it and not even knowing God will even bless me with the things I desire... I've asked for forgiveness, yet I don't feel forgiven because of everything going on right now in my life, like I am being punished even though I've been forgiven if I have... maybe He's forgotten me, maybe He hasn't. I haven't forgotten Him... I just lost Him... Only a matter of time whether I'm found again or not... Only He knows... ugh, the confusion of a baby Christian, I hate it, yet I don't blame it being there... because I myself do not know, and might ever know until death, how God will even truly work in my life... And maturing in Christ is somewhat questionable too because even the hardcore Christians that I know aren't even fully matured in Christ either because some of the time, they become weak in my state too... I don't know HOW I can mature in Christ... but if that is really the only way I might be able to be accepted to receive the blessings, mainly the desires of my heart AS HE PROMISED... Note I am going by HIS promises, not what others may think He might or might not do... I'm going by HIS promises to me... He made so many promises and you would know whether He is going to fulfill them since he is very omnipotent. . . I wouldn't even be asking God these things if they weren't in my heart to begin with... and I wouldn't be holding on to these prayers and blessings if He were to say NO to any of these anyway... but I digress...

The Lord say their will be a new heaven and earth and he will be with the people for entrity.
There a song I like and I belive it is amazing grace when we been their 10,000 years we have know more time to sing God priase then when first begun. What this mean time does not exist in enirty.

Dear Heavenly Father Please help mel to have complite understand of you and what your word. IN JESUS NAME I PRAY AMEN.

At least I got one question answered... millions more to go... Thanks Steven.

Mel...when he says delight in the Lord...he means in spiritual things...desires of our hearts includes those things that are important to us both spiritually and otherwise. You don't pray for those things. And you are not being honest when you say you are delighting your self in God...that means...whatever he chooses you agree and follow...you long for things spiritual and follow his unction and direction. Your prayer life and your response to your prayers not being answered show that this is not a true statement. You get angry at him...and that is NOT delighting in God. Mel...God works through people who truly know him...he uses our experiences in walking with him to teach us for one reason only...to share that others might grow. This is why the word says that older women are to teach the younger. The fact that YOU respond as YOU do says you are not ready for marriage...marriage is not an experience fraught with joy. There are some happy times...but marriage is full of trial and disappointment...you can't handle waiting for 5 months for something...how would you handle waiting for 5 years for a positive change in marriage? Mel...I read closely what your post said when you last spoke to your ex...did you really listen to what he told you? He doesn't want to be involved with your emotions...you said in your post that he said that the emotional involvement was why he left. He doesn't like that part of relating to you...Woman are very emotional...and men that cannot handle that are not equipped for marriage either. But at the same time...the way you rant and rave in some of your posts...says that you do not exercise great self control periodically...especially when angry. Did you know that God's word says "It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman." Proverbs 21:9 Men will not deal with that...nor is that what God says a wife should be. Tears and such histronics do not move them...as a matter of fact they are very frightened and put off by that. A man wants a strong woman...one of substance and character...he does not want to deal with the temper tantrums of a child nor a demanding shrew that is always going on and on about what they want. Mel...you cannot afford to house yourself...or support your self or pay the $50.00 for a kitten to live with you...but you think you are ready to be married? Have you any idea what the average APARTMENT costs in Japan? Try about $3500.00 USD for one bedroom. You do not have the life experience yet to be anything but what you are...19 years old and trying to figure it out. Do you read the newspapers? The economy has actually worsened in the last 3 months in our country and the rest of the world is even worse off...Mel...stop trying to find loopholes to prove points that are simply ridiculous. Your mother and the patch had nothing to do with your contentment. It has nothing to do with you!!!!! You are simply not equipped to deal with the responsibility of marriage yet. I beg to differ with you... most 19 year olds who will have careers are still in college and many have not even declared majors yet. I taught at a major university for a good while before going into Corporate America and have spent the last 30 years developing young people... A career is more than a job Mel...most 19 years are not married...did you know that the average age for marriage in the US is now in late 20s for women? Why because to work today in truly outstanding paying careers requires a masters degree. Bachelor degrees are like HS diplomas 20 years ago.

If you read Revelations you know that yes we will live under the rule of Jesus for 1000 years...and then then Satan will be released for a short time...to allow him to tempt those that are not in their eternal bodies as of yet...and yes he will do some ugly things with those that are not rooted in God. However then God the Father puts a stop to it forever...at the final judgment those that are God's will watch as the enemy and his minions are thrown into the pit of fire forever and thereafter God creates a new heaven and new earth formed in perfection without the evil that has existed. Mel..you have not surrendered, but I do not doubt that you will.

You are forgiven...and one more time THE AMOUNT OF YOUR FAITH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR PRAYERS BEING ANSWERED. FAITH IS ONLY NECESSARY FOR BELIEVING IN GOD and believing in his word. GOD ANSWERS PRAYER BASED UPON HIS WILL AND HIS MERCY AND NOTHING ELSE!

You need to understand that God will keep his promises...but he may not answer your prayers the way you wish no matter how long you wait. For example...he may send you love in someone that respects you, provides for you, protects you, that attracts you physically...which you can accept or reject...but it may not be in the young man you are currently hoping for...if you choose to remain alone God won't care...that is your choice...but if he thinks that the person you are focused on is wrong for you or you for him...it won't happen. So he keeps his promises but he will not allow what you want to override what is best in his sight. I think Mel...that you are a wonderful girl...but you are still very much a girl emotionally and in your walk with the Lord...give yourself time to grow and get on with life. I pray sincerely that you will accept the reality of life and allow yourself to enjoy it as much as you can...in the moment and in the now. Tomorrow will come when it comes and bring what it brings both joy and sorrow. Be blessed in the Lord.

*sigh*... I just do not know what is there anymore... for me at least. I already accepted the reality of life... It's not what it should be... Nor I don't even think God will ever give me the desires of my heart if they aren't spiritual... I guess THAT only leaves to see if God will ever accept me into Heaven shall I die tonight if tomorrow never comes... After all life isn't promising even for a young, healthy 19 year old girl like me. Whether the desires are spiritual or physical (and the physical ones even come to pass in others' favor, believe it or not...), I will still stand on those prayers... and that is a true statement.