I give thanks to God for the blessings I do have in my life: family, friends, a job, and with the exception of being blind in one eye and a possible liver problem, I am pretty healthy and none of my loved ones have serious health defects. God is very good, and I constantly ask his forgiveness for my short comings and seek every day to be a stronger, wiser man.
As a younger man, I had my first love, jealousy tore us apart and I regretfully nearly succeeded in killing myself with as massive overdose. Years passed. I rebuilt myself, rebuilt my faith, and I met someone new. I learned from my past mistakes and treated her with respect and total trust. We never gave each other any reasons to doubt our love in two years together. We talked seriously about getting married, and I knew she was the one I had waited for. I was happy to be alive and not just a wanderer on the Earth. But by summer's end, she said she just did not love me any more and left. I moved out of our apartment and I was lucky enough to find some acquaintances who would let me live in a room in their basement. Although it is a far cry from having my own place with the love of my life, I am still thankful for a roof over my head.
My ex and I have every reason to be together. We believe in the same things, have the same goals, enjoy a number of the same things, and have enough differences to experience new things through the other one's personality. My friends, my family, her friends, and her family all agree that we were a great couple. And my ex even admits we were good together. She just simply states that she quit loving me one day, left me the next. Its nothing she is proud of, in fact, it tore her to pieces when it happened, but it still happened and I am still sitting here, typing this with all my belongings confined to one small room in a basement.
Its been 6 months and I still love her. I still hope she will come back but experience always wants to remind me that I'm not the type that gets miracles. When my best friend's girlfriend left him I prayed for them and they have now been married for 4 years. When my other best friend and his wife were planning a divorce, I prayed and they reconciled. But when I prayed for myself and my ex, I heard nothing...as though I prayed to a wall. I have asked God every day that my ex girlfriend will return to me, I have abstained from other women, tried to bury myself in work and school, worked on my faith, worked on being a more selfless person, but every month passes and she is still gone. I will never be ungrateful for what I have left, but the platonic love I share with family and friends was not as full and rich as what I felt with her. The other day I accidentally came across my roommate's gun, and old familiar voices came into my head and scared me. I REALLY wish I did not know where his gun was at.
I wonder if one day I will pray for something and the answer won't just be "no". People say those who ask, shall receive, but I still am alone. I ask God for patience, I have put my life in God's hands and await for my ex and I to build a friendship, and hope it will reunite us. But there is a timetable, because she'll be moving half the country away in a year. I pray for her. If she believes I am now a deterrent to her goals, rather than an asset, I pray she sees that I still love her and want to succeed with her. I don't want this to be just another case of the cold reality of the real world where women leave for no reason and I move on. I want to believe in miracles. I want to believe for once, I can pray for love for myself and it come to fruition. I am afraid of becoming weaker as time goes on. I still find myself crying at night, crying out for God to please grant me a life with her.
