I need serious prayer. Please respond. I'm a 21-year-old male who has been addicted to pornography since I was 11. It gets worse and worse each year. I return to pornography about 15-20 times a month.
I have lost all hope.
This is very hard for me to admit, but I need to get it all out. I've been lusting after women, after anime, and even after animals. I have tried to leave, but I can't. I always fail. My heart is corrupted and black as tar. I don't even feel particularly guilty anymore.
Someone, help me. I am too ashamed to confide in my best friend. Paul said he was the worst of sinners, but I am. My mind is so warped and broken. Sexual immorality has invaded my dreams, and my daily thoughts. I have almost sunken to the deepest depths of Internet pornography.
Tonight, I looked at pornographic anime and at animals again. Please do not judge me. I need your help. I am falling to my death, and if I die, I will go to Hell. I don't want to go there. I want to be made clean, and white as snow. I want to feel Jesus' hand on my shoulders. I want to feel emotion again. Porn takes that away from you, you know. It makes you rotten and shameful.
Please help me. Please don't be so disgusted that you leave me. I am the worst of men. I know that. I deserve to die. Do you know what it's like to feel this hopeless? To feel like you failed Jesus this much? I want to love Jesus again. Before, I was a child. Now, I am a man, and I need to return to Jesus.
I'm barely able to write this. Just a shell of a man. Emotionally faded like an old painting. Can a man even succeed after ten thousand attempts? That's probably a realistic number. I don't feel like prayer can save me anymore, but this is my last ditch effort. If this doesn't work, I am a doomed soul.
My name is Noah, by the way. Christian family. Christian past. I knew Jesus in my heart personally, but I lost it somewhere along the way.
When I was younger, I was in bed one time, and I had closed my eyes to go to sleep, when the words "Leviticus 18:23" appeared in my vision. I reluctantly looked up the verse, only to read "Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion."
I had never read that verse before, and it was the only time in my life where I recognized God directly speaking to me. But since then, I have failed again many times. I have never had sexual relations, but in my mind I have. This is who I am, and it needs to change. But how can I believe that change is even possible still?