I am an only child. When my parents divorced my mother didn’t think I was worth demanding child support for, and the sperm donor never paid what the divorce judge told him to pay anyway. I’ve had no contact with him since 1983. I wouldn’t give you 2 cents for all of his family combined. My mother’s family is all dead except for a nephew, but I wouldn’t give 2 cents for them either.

My mother has been nothing but a detriment to me since the day I was born- 10 weeks premature. I was supposed to have been stillborn; she couldn’t even do that right.

I’ve lost count of how many times my mother has told people with more than 2 children, “I learn from my mistakes- one husband, one child”.

My mother has lupus and I am her only caregiver. And I myself have congestive heart failure, severe high blood pressure and arthritis that will likely cripple me if I live another 10 years. I took bp drugs for almost 2 years and now wish I had OD’d on them before I decided to stop taking them altogether due to the side effects- that my doctor says don’t exist.

I grew up wanting to be a doctor. My high school grades were very good. But my mother exiled me 600 miles to go to a college that I didn’t want any part of, so I barely graduated with a degree in biology.

When I got out of college I wanted to open a non-profit college prep school for Christian students. I contacted about 250 local churches, but not one of them had classroom space it was willing to let me rent or borrow. I gave up on the idea and was working as a private tutor when my mother’s brother died and I inherited a fair amount of cash. But since my mother handled the paperwork my money went into her bank account. She doesn’t want to spend any of it.

I wanted to use the money to build a school. I could afford the materials but I couldn’t find any church that is willing to provide the necessary land and volunteer labor.

I have looked for a pastoral position, but none of the hundreds of churches I have contacted will give me so much as the time of day. Even new churches that expect a pastor to work for nothing simply ignore me.

I would like to buy some property and set up an organic farm. My father’s parents were expert vegetable growers; my mother’s mother came from a North Carolina farm family. I’ve been around gardening my whole life and I have had my own garden almost every year since 1981. But when I told my mother what I want to do she pitched a temper tantrum and essentially told me that I am too stupid to know how to run a farm. I have the know-how, but I will need help with the physical labor involved because of my health. I cannot find anyone willing to help.

I am in constant physical pain because of my health. I am in constant emotional pain because of my existence. And nobody gives a damn. Churches where I live won’t answer their phone during business hours, and churches on the net won’t even acknowledge my prayer requests. So-called Christians on the net have even blamed me for my own misery telling me that I deserve it. I need help but most people give me nothing but condemnation. Eternity in hell cannot be any worse that the existence I have always known, so I would just as soon begin eternity now and save myself the extra misery that is my existence.