Hello,



My name is Lindsay and I have a boyfriend who has struggled with porn since he was 12. I am now 20 and he is 22. We have been dating now for over a year. When we had been together 5 months he told me of his problem with porn. He would go on at least a few times a week and look at it. As a Christian man he hated himself for it. Each time he did it he felt more and more dirty. When he told me this, it devastated me. I hurt more then I ever had. He promised me that he was going to end this struggle. That it was over. Over the next months he seemed strong. He always told me he was doing great and it wasnt a problem anymore. He decided he wanted to put covenant eyes on his computer. Last wednesday I discovered he had gone on and looked at porn. I felt like my heart had been ripped out. He told me the truth and said he had looked at porn twice since january. He said he has been struggling with this a lot, but had been hiding his struggle from me because he was scared I would leave him (because I told him I would if it happened again). Later he told me that he thinks he went on the site even when he knew i would see it because subconsciously he wanted me to know he was still struggling and needed help. He said he hates the control this addiction has on him and needs to kick it. I feel like I am dating a man with a new determination. He called a Christian licensed therapist who has dealt with this problem and saw him yesterday. They will have weekly visits. He also said he wants to join a support group like SAA. He is now journaling to get out all his feelings on paper and has welcomed me to read it whenever I would like. Most importantly he is getting his life back on track with the Lord. He is reading his bible everyday and spending time with Him. He knows the only way he can conquer this is with the help of God. He said he must kick this, not for me, but for himself and for his relationship with God. And he will do everything he can to do so.



As for me, I am terrified. I spent the last three days crying. I feel so much hurt. I feel God is using this time to open up my eyes, as well as Marks, to how we are not living for God, but for each other and the world. Mark and I have made each other the centers in our lives instead of God. Half the time I cry for what Mark has done to me and the betrayal I feel and half the time I pray for what I have done to God and the betrayal he must feel. I have asked for the Lords forgiveness and am working on my own relationship with God as we speak. I know I need to make the Lord my number one priority. At the same time I am hurting so badly it’s hard to concentrate on anything. A week ago Mark and I were so happy and now it seems like we are starting from square one. I am being supportive. I forgive him and am helping him as much as he wants me to. He is bound and determined to win my trust again. I am trying not to let my emotions take hold of me and blame him. I think I have done a pretty decent job. As a nursing student, I know that addiction is something so hard to deal with and so traumatizing. As much as it hurts I pray for those women he looked at. I don’t know why, but I do. I pray that they will see the light and turn from this evil world. I feel like I am praying all the time. I need strength and healing too. And I know I can only find that from the Lord.



I would like to ask if you could pray for Mark and this tough journey he is starting. Please pray for his healing. I know the more people who pray for him, the better he will be. I also would like to ask if you could pray for me. I want a heart that can be patient and kind and loving. And not judgmental. Please pray that both of us will find healing in the Lord and come to Him with all our hearts.



Thank you,



Lindsay