I seem to be coping with life by drinking. I am blaming my mistakes and setbacks on myveithwr because he raped me at 16 and continues to make advances at me to date. He also got me pregnant and I had to have an abortion when I believe I was 18. I hate myself and all my relationships have failed and I seem to attract abusive men. I am 36 with no husband or children. I seem to try and buy love and allow men to emotionally abuse me.

Recently I started to get enraged when I drink and harass my brother with threats to expose him and he is a detective. I have so much anger in me and I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to heal and forgive and meet a nice guy but I always fail. I'm so lonely also and I think I have to not share this story with anyone especially men I like. I aometes share this becAuse of his advances. I share it with the guy I'm interested in because it bothers me and I think he'll care but then I'm judged and things alter in the relationship. I sometimes wish my mom wouldve aborted me as my dad requested.