It sounds like it is time to rededicate your life to Jesus Christ. Perhaps God is using this experience to draw you back to him. We must take responsibility for our actions even when we ask for forgiveness. It is an act of bravery and strength. Step up to the plate so to speak. God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind. The Lord can hear your desparation and is waiting at the door. Talk to him. He already knows what is going on in your heart. No one can love your more than Jesus. He says come to me you who are burdended and heavy laden and I will give your rest. His yolk is easy and his burden is light. Nothing is too hard for God. You are definately ready to recommit your life to him. Follow wholeheartdly. Start today, and never look back. You will find all of the instructions in the bible.