I had hoped for a marriage full of love and tenderness, but I don't get that from my husband even though I've told him many times over what I need. Sometimes his sarcasm hurts my feelings and he thinks I'm being ridiculous and should see things the way he does. I also get tired of being talked into purchases we can't afford when he knows I need financial security in my life. But he thinks more of what he wants than what I need to feel stable. Now he is going to become a volunteer police officer, and I'm against this but my opinion doesn't matter...only the fulfillment if his lifelong dream. Plus he has convinced himself that I'm supportive of this. But I can't say anything now or it starts world war 3!
I am trying to be supportive and just let hm do what he wants to do, but on the inside I feel scared and hopeless. I worry he will get killed, or quit his regular job to do this full time, or will never be home so he can hang out with the cops the way my friend's husband was expected to do but didn't and he got canned for it! My husband would definitely choose hanging out with the guys over being with his family if his police work were in danger, and he'd tell me that I'd just have to "understand," as usual. Sometimes I get tired of understanding and playing second fiddle to what he wants. But then I feel guilty and think I should just feel grateful for what I have and just accept it. At least I have my own career, a wonderful child, a roof over my head, and food on the table. That should be enough...why do I need attention from my husband? He does give me attention when he wants sex, of course. And that's another story.
I am so confused!
But Jesus...my Savior.,.if I didn't have Him to hold me and listen to me cry myself to sleep night after night then I would be so lost. Jesus has never let me down, ever! He healed me of breast cancer 8 years ago after doctors said I would die in a year! Jesus was with me through all if my life struggles. I cannot wait until He returns and I can see His glorious face and worship Him in person! He is my best friend forever! Thank you, Jesus, for being by my side always. I would die without You!