I'm in a bit of a rut lately. I know God is a God of second chances. I know with Him anything is possible... but with the smallest bit of faith that I have, is it enough to prove the impossible, or to make what seems to be impossible through Christ?

I always keep my little "Dreams/Desires/Prayers List" folded up under my pillow, carry it around in my pockets, anoint the list often... Am I doing to much? Or am I showing too little faith? If my faith is as small as a mustard seed, I can move mountains, right? But is the mustard seed faith even enough...? Sometimes I do not think it's enough...

Today before I went to work, I asked my mom to help me put on the chain cross necklace my dad gave me. Mom said "I hope you're not just putting on the necklace just so you think God will bring you two back together just by wearing this necklace... I hope you're not wearing it just for that because it's for the wrong reasons." I know Jesus died for our sins, yet it is why I wear the necklace, and also as a trigger symbol to let me know that with God anything is possible especially when it comes to my dreams/prayers (one of them being for me and my (ex)boyfriend to reunite in love and eventually marriage). I know that is one of my dreams/desires/prayers, but mom must have forgotten that I have other prayers too, and I'm wearing it for those prayers too, one of them she should know... I don't know... FOR HER TO STOP SMOKING. I think she has been slacking to cut back lately... Mom almost went back to smoking 2-3 cigs lately because of dad's surgery that went great. Mom gets nervous and scared when it comes to dad's health, or me, so she smokes because it "calms her down". Doesn't she know it's also "KILLING her quicker"? Mom thinks the only reason I'm wearing the cross necklace it's because of me praying desperately for me and my (ex)boyfriend to reunite again... Yes, I am still praying for that, but it's not the ONLY THING I'm praying on! Mom couldn't get the chain on the necklace on me, so she told me to just carry it in my pocket. So I did. Still it didn't feel the same...

Is praying for the restoration of a relationship wrong? (I'm asking generally, like when someone prays for restoration of something or someone they love in their hearts, is it wrong?) Is praying for the things I'm praying for wrong? The only thing I want is for my mom to be healthy, my dad to be stronger and healthy, to have the one I love (my (ex)boyfriend) back in my arms again, and for all of us to be a family! I could care less about college... Mom and Dad never went to college, they're doing fine... I could care less about going to Japan... How am I going to have the money and time to even go...? And kittens... Mom doesn't like kittens for one, two the landlords charge $50 per dog/cat on rent... and the rent is like $1100 a month... And gaining weight... God knows I am actually underweight... An average 19-year-old woman, my height being 5'5"-5'6", is from 120-133. I'm only 85. I want to be healthy too...! I still want all of those things... I still want every single one of my dreams and desires to come true, but am I killing my own dreams? Or is it useless to go on, knowing now that thanks to what my mom said that if she thinks that wearing the necklace as a trigger symbol to my desires and prayers is the wrong thing to do... it's never left my head all day at work today... I want them all to come true... I don't believe it's wrong to pray on someone you love. I don't think it's selfish... All are desires I feel God put in me! And if God put them in me, how are they wrong, because God is always right?

I don't know what to do... I really need more faith now... I really desire for all of these to come true, really I do. God is a God of second chances... with Him anything is possible! But is anything possible through God? Lord, I know what I want to pray for. I know what's in my heart. Please show my mother that these dreams mean a lot to me. All she said is that I might be wearing it for the wrong reasons... and all of my dreams are for good, not evil! For love and not hate! Is praying for my mom to stop smoking wrong? I don't think so. Is praying for my dad to be stronger and healthier wrong? Absolutely not. Is praying for someone you love to be with you and commitment and love to shoot from both ends wrong? God is love and I love too, so how is that wrong? Is praying for my education wrong? Some people never get the chance to have one, so why can I not pray for the career I've been wanting to do since I was 10 and now going to college for it? I believe in second chances, and I know what's right and wrong because God teaches me right from wrong. Yes, parents do so too, but no parent can do it better than Him. I know these prayers of mine will come to pass and restoration and healing of everything I ask for will come in Jesus Name. I feel that I'm the only one within my household that these dreams of mine are very strong dreams... and I feel that I'm the only person who keep praying for these to do so. I don't think mom is praying for them, simply because it's what I want... She doesn't think some of these prayers are what God wants, but Mom doesn't even know what God does and does not want. What if God didn't want her to start smoking because He knows it will harm her body and lungs? I think He didn't want that. I think He doesn't want her to smoke anymore... and the one I keep pestering her about the smoking, she asks God to give her the strength to stop smoking, but she says that if she were to stop, something else can happen to her, like emphysema. She thinks if she were to stop, then she'll get emphysema or some other type of disease. Or if she doesn't stop smoking, she can get some type of lung disease or cancer or other illness. She feels it's a "damned if I do, damned if I don't" kind of thing when it comes to smoking... and still I pray and want her to stop... I still pray for my dreams and desires to come true... all of them... this week has been hard for me... very hard.

Please God, please see of these dreams and prayers I have in my heart... I know they are not wrong, because I feel You put them in me. There was a sermon I was looking at on TV the day of my dad's surgery about You, God, helping me make my dreams come to pass and become a reality through You. Please God... I need you help on everything... My mom, my dad, the one I feel I'm destined to be with (my ex), my college, my dream of going to Japan and living there, a couple kittens to care for, for all of us to become a strong and loving family, and for me to gain weight... are these prayers evil? I'm not asking for money, to be famous in my animation career, or anything like that... I go what's in my heart, not in my head... I don't think these dreams are all in my head... Please God, help me see them come to pass... help me see them become reality because through You anything is possible. God please give me more patience and faith... it's all I think I can have right now because physically, I can't do anything... mentally, I'm up-and-down... emotionally, I'm at a stop-and-go... spiritually, I feel mustard seed like faith isn't enough... I need more than enough... God, help me get it. Help me have patience. And God, I know you care of what's in my heart... please grant them as fit. All of them. Not one to go unfulfilled or unanswered... They all connect to love and success... And these dreams should not be one or the other... they shall be filled with faith and love... that's all I have... but it is enough? ...Please have them granted and filled 100-fold. Have my family see my dreams through their eyes. Let these dreams be seen through Your eyes too... All of this shall successfully be fulfilled for a happy life not only for me, but for the ones I dearly love. In Jesus Name. Amen.