I dont know where to begin,the pain inside of me is so much. I have looked everywhere,I have asked everyone but forgot to consult with God.
There is a spiritual dryness in my life,a lack of motivation,I used to be a good christian man,I used to give offerings to the church,I used to feel a burning fire inside of me with excitment.I had a dream about 5 years ago,which I remember vividly like it was today.
Everything in that dream happened.Slowly I began to drift away from the body of christ.(the church)
There is an emptyness,a void in my life. I have lost thousands of dollars gambling,I am addicted to pornography,I am a homosexual.
It all came crashing down,my relationship with God,my finances,my morals and everything I thought I was and thought I had .pride began to build in my heart.
It has been close to a year that I took a separate road from God's ways due to my actions and my behavior.
I do not approve of my behavior nor do I like whom I have become.but deep inside I know who I am and know for a fact I cant change.
I have asked God in multiple ocassions to change my ways,to cleanse me from within.somehow I end up going back to my old ways.
honestly I am tired of everyday life,I am not tired of life,nor would I ever commit suicide. I am tired of the routine,there is no spark of joy inside of me
I find myself looking for friends,gay guys like myself that will understand me and will not judge me for the person that I am but they all want one thing.
The experience that I had last year brought bitterness and pain into my life,I met another " christian" homosexual guy.so I tought I could trust him;I ended up getting hurt and falling in love with him,I know this is wrong and I want to stop,I regret my past everyday of my life.
Sometimes I think this suffering is a curse or in a way a punishment for my previous actions,
I dont ask God to change the person that I am,but to keep me in his hands safe so that when the time of temptation comes I will not be overcomed by it.
I am scared of lossing my salvation,I have accepted Jesus as my savior and have been baptized.I go to church about 3 or 4 times a month,sometimes my busy work schedule keeps me from going.While i was browsing online tonight I thought Id ask for some prayer,so that I can once again be the man I was before
please keep me in your prayers ,so that I can re-establish my relationship with God .
Rebelious child of God
God bless and thank you!!