I have suffered like that too. I thought I wanted to die. This was two summers ago and I ak still alive. I found new reasons to live. I thought god abandoned me too, but it was maybe I that abandoned him. He is just testing you to make you stronger. like you I suffered but it made me realize my faults, made me realize how life is too precious to give up or take for granted. You have helpers around you that you may notnotice. God and his angels are watching. Wwjd