To sum it up: that I can be kept from reoccuring anger and that I can someday really understand why God had to let it happen in this way, that is, begin the way it did. The rest below is just outta my need to vent somewhere. You need not read.



Im so trying to forget these things and go on with my life but the image of a certain one keeps haunting me these days, and I cant help recalling how my life, how I..came to all this. And I then struggle with anger and hate towards one that lied to me to begin with, and then anger towards God for having me meet that person of all ppl or in that way at least in answer to my prayer for sb I was to help. If we hadn't started with the lie in the first place, then there wouldnt have been as many complications at the time or afterwards. I wouldn't have lost my head the way I did. I wouldn't have let down my guard in such a way either and not been fooled into thinking I liked one of them, esp. not if I'd known how younger they really were, nor so quick to believe they were the promised ones, the ones to help me build my future ministry. If I'd kept my head, if I hadn't been so distracted by "the greater mission" I would've kept my eye on the one I still think of now...I wouldn't have given up on them as I did to "do His work". I wouldn't have pushed away some of the best ppl in my life whose friendship I cant regain now. The list of unnfortunate things is endless. But most of all, I wouldn't have had to suffer from not knowing how things really could have been with that person...the one that's still nearly the best of all in my sight. Not just better than others, but exactly what I had wanted. Of all the lies...... why did it have to involve sumthin I'd longed for so much in my teen years. And trap me inside it that I couldn't see nemore the other things in my life that mattered, incl. that person I have trouble forgetting for good. and if not that person, even if it hadnt happened that way, then another with whom things might have turned out so differently but someone it seems I have little choice but to also forget as they didnt take my existence into account either.