I know All my problems, the majority of my failures, my anxiety, and my sadness -
I have noticed stem from my disobedience to God. Now I know the believer will experience trials. But thinking of how I got to where I am.

I see that, I lost my marriage, my house, my car, most of my money, brought pain and suffering to my children, and had a huge decline in business and sadly it's all because of my disobedience. I put myself here, I did.

So now as I wallow in the misery of what is become my life. I can't blame God, I can only blame myself. While I deserve death for what I have done and often have wished it or contemplated it. There is a God who continues to help me, maybe not in how or when I wanted, but if I look at it -he does.

So what do I do now, besides begging God for mercy. Do I try with God's help to correct my course or do I continue in my rebellion. Im I now destined to failure or to death. Will God reconcile me through his grace - I don't know.

I do know that the overwhelming pain, torment, and agony I live with does not subside and I know I deserve it. I can only pray God can restore me. I don't know that he will. It might be my fate is sealed. But I will try, I will beg forgiveness, I will beg He who died for me to intercede for my retchered soul.
For Christ is the only hope I have but I feel he no longer hears me