I feel so incredibly hypocritical, but I have holding a burden that I simply can't bare any more. Almost a year ago now, my best friend/ex-boyfriend and I had a huge blow-out fight where I ended our "friendship." At the time, he was not acting as a friend should and I thought the healthiest thing would be to let him go. There were wrongs on both of our parts and there's not a day that goes by where I do not think of him or miss him. I know for a fact that after the fight, the Lord put Matthew 5:44 on my heart, specifically, pray for those that despitefully use you. Even though my friend had not treated me right, in the past he and I were very close. I had fallen in love with him long before we got together and we were very best friends. However, he was not saved. He went to my church and after a salvation message, he rejected the message. I gave up hope on his salvation and full on pursued a relationship. He approached me and the rest is history.

I know it was wrong--I wouldn't do things like that again. I wouldn't have had the relationship we had and I would have waited on the Lord. When I wasn't living for Him, my ex-boyfriend seemed to still be under conviction and seeking the Lord. We heard a band of his give their salvation stories on youtube for like an hour while he played video games (he put it on--not me). Had I been listening to the Lord, I could have witnessed to him. He has said other things, but after our fight, we have spoke very little, a text here and there.

When I got the opportunity, I offered to send him my daily devotions via email. I have been praying every day since the day of the fight for his salvation and for our relationship to heal. I have explored the idea of not praying for him with my pastor's wife, since she was not biased for or against him (I wanted to hear the truth no matter what that meant). We decided together that this was of the Lord, that He had asked me to pray for him. I know it's the Lord's will for him to be saved, but I have been very faint lately.

I tried to text him a couple of times, just I'm praying for you (I'm not sure full on talking would be appropriate at this time) but haven't gotten a response. I have been pretty bold in my email devotions and I don't know how he could not have seen them by now. I'm mainly worried about our relationship never being restored--I'm afraid of being strangers...honestly, I feel like that. I want to be hopeful, because the Lord told me to pray for him and I see biblically an example in Job--the Lord spared his friends and then they were restored in their relationships (Job 42). However, I feel so weary. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever be saved and if he'll ever want to be my friend again--if he could ever love me. I know no one can answer these questions.

I want to keep praying and not be disobedient and when I ask, usually it's like Job--God answers with how He is God and the Creator of the universe...or the weeks that I'm week, there are a lot of devotions on prayer, believing prayer, and having faith for the impossible. Idk...I want to know it's the Lord's voice and not my own. I still love my friend very much and want the very best for him--I want him to be the man of God that the Lord desires him to be. But, I would be lying if I said I didn't want to see him again--I said horrible things and though I've apologized, I feel like it's over. I have looked through reconciliation a lot--Job 42 seems to be about the closest I've seen--I didn't think the bible had reconciliation between friends up until I read about that last week. Just scared--I don't want to lose my friend forever...if it's just for a time and he gets saved, I would be okay with that...I want to see my friend again, be able to be close.

I don't know if anyone feels led to pray about this or give advice, but if someone sees or has something put on their heart, please write a response. I just feel very faint and weak and need some encouragement. Am I doing the right thing?

Thank you for your time in reading this and for your input.