I am a 32 year old Paramedic. I have been a believer all of my life. About 2 years ago I lost my beloved grandmother who was very near and dear to me. Shortly after that, I experienced a traumatic event in which I honestly thought I was going to die. Ever since then I have struggled with anxiety and panic attacks. My main issues are health anxiety, death anxiety, and God Anxiety. The first two I can deal with, it seems that years as a Paramedic have made me a bit of a hyperchondriac and now I am convinced that something is wrong and I am going to die. This happens on a daily basis. This leads me to my God anxiety. I believe in God, I go to church, I even started reading bible verses almost every day. I pray almost every day. I should be closer than ever to God, but instead I feel farther away. For the first time in my life, I am doubting the existence of God. I am so conflicted. I pray and doubt at the same time. I ask God to take away my doubts, but they remain. I will NEVER stop believing, praying, and worshiping, but I want to stop doubting. If I doubt, am I a "True" believer? Will I still go to Hevan if I have doubts? I don't want to doubt, it just pops in my head. I need prayer and advise. This is keepinge up at nights and causing me to worry all the time.
Thank you all for your prayer, help, and advice in advance!!
Allen