Hi,

To me, it sounds like you've got a curse on your head. Not your fault but it comes from your forefathers (grandparents, great grandparents etc..). Now, I'm no expert on this but I believe you need to have some demons exercised.

I know some simple truths about life, here's some of them;
EVERYTHING Bad comes from the devil
EVERYTHING GOOD comes from God
about God and Jesus hateing you; God loves you so much that he would give his own son (Jesus) to take your place in judgement (to literally die, on the cross), just for YOU.
Jesus is the only person ever to live perfectly. And he would die just to give you the chance, the choice, to live for ever.

The way we think of our selfs will eventual make up who we are in the future.

It takes COURAGE to live.

Don't trust the people in the chruch, trust in God.

Also have patience, I'm sure you've heard the old cleshay;
Good things come to those who wait.
It has some truth in it, yes. But I'll remember that it "rains" on both the just and the unjust all the same.

But also remembering God will do nothing if we don't bring it to his attention. (USE PRAYER! -We've got that privilege, use it!)

We have not because we ask not.
You should pick up the bible and look for answers!