Had a really bad week, stuck in the middle of a delicate situation and two friends and both hurt, one unintenitioally upset the other and im classed as having deliberatly ler her say something hurtful when what she said was actually said in kindness but taken wrong. And I have both people putting guilt as well as others on me and have lost someone i class as a sister and am in danger of losing a loving second mother. sounds stupid but nobody cares about how i feel and im now seen as the wicked witch and feel unwanted and hated. have tried to explain but noones really listening to me even the patstor is ignoring me. just when i thought i had found a loving family and finally knew what love was really about im smacked in the face and back to the postion of being the unloved outsider. I know one person is glad as he hates me anyway because im not perfect in the role i play in church compared to the others of the group and his weight carries alot so i feel im eventally going to be pushed out which would suit him perfectly.
im just fed up being the one who the **** always happens to and always the one who ends up with no friends. i have not felt suicidal for along time but i do now because whats the point if this is really what families are like i might as well stayed with mine and let them drive me to the brink which they did rather then trust the Lord and discover love if its just as crap as the love i had from my familty the abuse i suffered was easier to bare then this, the pastors back to me said it all
Theres only one thing thats stopping the overdose, suicide is murder and i may not like Him at the moment but i wont break His commandments, but i have died inside and now instead of living i am existing as i have done for 33 years i am doing so again, just when i had begun to love life and even to like myself, and trust His promises. If He took my life now I would go with Him gladly and forfiet the promises He had made me and like Moses only glimse the promise land yet never walk in and the vision i have will go to another and i wouldn't care that i have carried it since i was 4 in my heart.
suppose to be getting babtised but now feel i want to but not there if i go back to the church why stay with a family who pushes you out with even asking you what happened judging you without a second glance. i have never fitted in and feel this is what many people wanted.

well maybe they will get thier wish when i don't turn up on sunday or next week one or two who i am close to will contact me, but i will say nothing, no point in ripping Gods church apart satan would love that. I will just lie (yea I know a sin) but they have no need to know, as I said satan would love this to bring even more pain then it has. I may not be happy and may even hate the church but i wont let him use me as an instrument in his scheme.

God i know loves me and that is all that keeps me going and the knowledge that i have one person who cares about me.

Please pray that Gods glory somehow is displayed in this situation and things can be resolved so the church can keep on ministring and noone else is hurt by all of this and reconsiliation can be brought about. as for me i dont care what happens I am use to this and should have expected no more, only God loves me, though why i have yet to work out.

Lord I pray that you make this person feel your love embracing them at this moment. Let them know people in the church are only humans like everyone else. Sometimes the enemy comes and uses the weakest ones to hurt your loved ones. Make this person stronger in you Lord more than any they have ever been before, so those attacking this person see you through them. Let this person see that by giving in they will only allow the enemy the victory. Give this person the wisdom they need at this time to be an over comer and not a victim, by your power I know it can be done. Let them remember that victory is through you and not by them thinking negative thoughts, for you are positive not negative. So Lord remove from them any negative thoughts. May this be done for Your Honor and Glory Heavenly Father I ask and thank you in Jesus Christ Precious Name, Amen!

thank you

i have sent an email to the minister describing the way i felt and my concern for the frined who was trying to be kind and has been sidelined. I feel i did the right thing, and the matter has been coming to a head for a while and it has finally exploded. I found out this situation has been brewing for 2 years and an act of kindness misread has exploded the volcano so it was overdrawn realy.

i have chosen to pull right out of the situation for the moment so has not to make people feel they cannot discuss this because i am around.

i may not go back, but felt i was being led in another direction and this may be the signal i need. but will wait on Christ. I have been in many battles a firece prayer warrior is me and i know and feel once again Gods strength in me, i wait on Him and pray His Soverignty is seen above all of this and His will above all is done.

Thanks for your prayer, normally I am strong in Him, but through illness and worry about other things had left me with nothing to defend myself with and the negativeity i grew up with came back to flood and overwhelem me.

i will wait on Him and will soar on eagles wings, and in Him is thier life and love in abundance. I love being on the outside with the marginalised and this has made me realise even more where my ministry lies, i need to think and pray about becomeing more involved with the marginalised more then i am now, it is my calling.

thanks for the prays and i pray for strength for all of the team here to continue supporting those of us you have nowhere else to turn.