I realize you get a ton of emails daily regarding people and their personal lives and issues. I guess you can add ONE more to your already overwhelming lists.
I have been attending church for about a year now. But the last 6 months I've been attending regularly. I grew up Southern Baptist. I actually for the first time in my life LOOK forward to Sunday mornings. I know this is just a start, because Church is so much more than a SUNDAY morning - but I'm not a really social person until I get to know them, and then I come out of my shell.
I guess I should give a little backstory and I hope I don't bore you to death in doing so. About 4 years ago, I lost my mother to brain cancer, at that time I was also going thru a divorce. So I felt like i'd been hit with a double whammy. My mother and I were very close and her death hit me hard. I went thru a very dark, very deep depression for quite some time. Trying to figure out how to be a single mom, was hard and trying. About a year after my moms death we found out that my father was diagnosed with terminal stomache cancer. Once again, I had the wind knocked out of me. I was angry with God. I couldn't figure out how people call him Merciful when at a time I needed my mother most, he yanked her away. I also felt guilty for her death.
My father and I always had a very tense relationshp. I was molested by him for years and finally after a huge blowup and confrontation with him over it, we made a very uneasy truce. He was my father after all. I wanted his approval, I wanted his love, but never really felt like I got it. I never got an apology. Instead I got, "you're so much like your grandmother, she left you a gift, she was mentally ill and so are you!" It was a horrible, sick feeling to know that while he cried one minute and said I thought you liked it, the next he'd be cruel enough to blame me still. I wanted absolution, but got none. So there was a huge void, but I still stood by him, worked on forgiving him for the hurts he caused and helped him thru his illness as best I could. I had begged God to please protect my mother, because I knew that the knowledge of my father and his actions would destroy her. I felt as if he answered my prayers - but not in the way I had hoped. Which I know is often the case. But I just felt alot of darkness envelope me because I felt completely and solely responsible for the death of my dear sweet mother. BIG ISSUES HUH?
Last July, I reconnected with an old friend, we started dating and then got married in October. Now that seems fast I know, but we'd known each other for years. I do feel now that perhaps we should have went to some premarital family counseling because combining families presents issues that you don't face normally with just a man and woman.
I love my husband, but I'm overwhelmed. We have 4 kids total, and his daughter, 8 years seems to really enjoy manipulating and stirring up trouble... problem is - he refuses to see it. He is very hard on the other kids... my son 14 and my daughter 6 - especailly. His son, 13 also seems to bear the brunt of discipline as well.
When he gets mad, he has a very confrontational demeanor. He wants to hurt people with words and I pray about this daily/nightly. I know he loves me, but he doesn't always show it. I feel like I have to be pushed aside just so he can focus on an 8 year old who enjoys making it known that she's daddy's queen bee!
I love all my kids. I love my husband, but I'm at my wits end. I was in such a dark, angry place with God and then started really focusing on Lifepoint and started to lose some of that and find my faith again. I am really enjoying the WHY AM I ALIVE series. I want to be more active in the church but I need some prayer assistance gettign my husband aas excited about it as I am. I need prayers for my kids and how to handle the demands that come with a combined family. I need prayers on how to deal with someone who prefers to be "in your face and very harsh" when having an argument (which is different than I choose to be and that is to go off and meditate and cool off). I need prayers on not getting discouraged with my own walk WITH God and not giving up on my faith as I did once before. He is a good man, I don't mean to imply that he isn't. But he needs prayers as much as I do. I want my marriage to work. But I want to feel that aside from God, no one is more important (adn that includes friends, co workers, acquaintances, etc.) to him than me. I want to go somewhere with him and have him love me enough to be aware that I love feeling like i'm the only person that matters in that room. I don't feel that. I do consciously try to make him feel that everyday and everywhere we go. I guess we need prayers. I've suggested counseling because it's getting so tense that I'm worried we may not make it to our 6 month anniversary.
He loves to hang with friends, and make other things more important. Such as smoking pot. I didn't realize that he was a recreational user, but he is. I pray daily to find a way to reach him and for him to realize that his family is so much more important than those "things". So far, I feel my prayers havent' been answered. I don't want to get discouraged.
I want to be more involved in Church and have HIM and I both involved more and meeting supportive and GOD minded people to socialize with so he isn't tempted to do other things. I need help. SEVERELY! I didn't know who else to turn too.
I saw a sign once on a church billboard that read: SIGN BROKEN, MESSAGE INSIDE! i felt like it was God talkign to me. It was the last time I'd been in a church prior to my mom's death. Ive found a church that I love and enjoy. I want to grow and be more involved and I'd love to have my husband grow in that direction with me.
I'd greatly appreciate any help/advice and prayers that I can get! It's not just a new marriage, wracked with kids and a manipulative little girl, it's finances, it's my faith and my walk with God, I just have some very dark demons to overcome as well as try to make my marriage work.
Thank you,
