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Stuck in Love - Guest - 04-21-2012 07:32 AM
I renamed this, because I no longer feel that my love is lost, but rather the thing that has plagued me for a time. For years, I was in love with a man who did not seem to love me back, who was my best friend. Yes, there were things that he did that made me question our friendship, but this year, after he and his ex-girlfriend broke up, we grew very close. I felt the Lord was preparing his heart for salvation. But, one Sunday, after hearing the gospel, he openly rejected it. He claimed he just didn't have the faith to put into trusting Christ. It broke my heart and I think he was scared he was going to lose my friendship. He turned to another girl and he seemed to grow darker than he ever had.
But around Christmas, the old friend I knew seemed to come back some. His heart was merrier and for the first time, I swore that if our love was meant to be, that it would come in time...that it would come after he was saved...and that it would come soon. Then, he began to communicate differently with me. It was if he were in awe for me, as if there was something in his heart. And, then, one day he asked if I had ever wanted a relationship so bad and he asked me to cuddle with him.
We went on a camping trip and held one another for the night. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did it. Ever since then, we have crossed many physical lines. For a time, we were in a semi-relationship, where I acknowledged him as my boyfriend. However, he broke it off at one point, fearing that it would go too far physically.
I know that this relationship isn't what is important, but I feel as if I have lost my influence one him. I'm so scared he will end up in hell because of me...because I was not the witness I should have been. We're still confused about what we are. Physical things have not stopped and there are times when I feel we are close and other times, when he pulls away. I wonder what would have happened had I said, "No." Had I waited.
He will be moving to another town soon and I feel that fueled a lot of things. He claims to care about me as a friend, but I have retorted that friends don't act the way he did...the way he does. Please do not get me wrong. I believe know he has convinced himself that those are his feelings. That he holds nothing dear in his heart, but I refuse to believe that.
I know what this sounds like, but I do not feel he is using me. I guess, the only way for you to know that is to be here. I have had that confirmation from a therapist of mine, who I believe was genuine with me (granted this is one who is offered pro-bono, or for free, so her opinion is not influenced by monetary funds).
I'm so messed up. Satan entangled things...he offered me what I wanted and I fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. I believe the true barrier that exists is the fact that I am saved and my friend is not. Now, I wonder if he ever will be. This separation could be a chance for him to find a good, godly MAN to influence him. But, I haven't prayed in so long. I'm in such sinfulness, I'm afraid the Lord won't hear me. I feel like there's no way to separate asking for the relationship and asking for his salvation. Granted, even if we were not together, I would be heartbroken if he died and went to hell. Just thinking about earlier this year made me burst into tears. Please do not hear me wrong. I didn't want this relationship over his salvation. I just feel Satan knew how to tempt me and now it has become the focus.
I'm so afraid that my friend will move away and forget all about me. He says that that's not true, that if anything it will be the revearse. I've never went through this with someone before...being so afraid of them relocating, so afraid that I'll never talk to them again. What has he got to reflect on now? What do I have to reflect on? I want his love so much, but I feel I will never gain it...that there's no way out. I feel that he'll never turn to God.
I've thrown out the possibility of not being friends over this. It really hurt his feelings and he wished we hadn't ever went camping. It was the best and worst night of my life. I love him, but I'm so selfish now.
So I guess I wrote all of this not for advice, but just to say I really need prayer. I'm crying now, because I feel like God can't hear me. It's a lie, but I'm in the midst of such sin. I'm sorry that it happened the way it happened rather than for what is happening. I wish my best friend were my husband, that our relationship was permitted. I wish my best friend were not so closed to God. I wish I weren't. Yet, he brings it up at times...I don't think all is lost, but it's made to feel that way.
I just wish God could fix this...that maybe later in time, when things were right, that it would happen the way God meant for it to be. I wish my friend would realize what feelings he has for me and that he wouldn't be afraid to take that chance. I wish there were a godly man in his life, who could truly lead him to the Lord...who would have a cleaner testimony than I. I feel I've failed God so much...how could I do that? I knew better...I knew better. I don't want my friend ripped away from me because of lust or because or a selfish-driven relationship. I want things the way they were when we were so close...when we had newly started our relationship and he would look at me with longing, wanting to kiss me (just a kiss!). I want my friendship from the beginning of this year when we couldn't be severed even for a moment...when we had so much laughter...when I knew that things were of God.
Please just pray for me.
RE: Stuck in Love - azclassic - 04-21-2012 07:35 PM
Dear Lord I pray that you will bind Satan from this guest.Lord I pray for your will in this relationship. I pray the friend can see the guest with a new. To not look bad on the guest but to truly have the friendship they once had before the camping trip. Lord please heal her burdens and bring good Christian people in both of their lives. I pray her friend will accept you as Lord and Savior. I pray that you will protect them and guide them. I pray that they will live according to your word. And I ask this in Jesus Precious name Amen
RE: Stuck in Love - Dawn1 - 04-22-2012 03:54 AM
"FOR I KNOW THE THOUGHTS THAT I THINK TOWARD YOU, SAYS THE LORD, THOUGHTS OF PEACE AND NOT OF EVIL, TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND A HOPE" (JEREMIAH 29:11).