Please pray for God to win in my heart rite now coz I'm tempted to side w/ my less noble self that wants what I naturally want more. I dont know why God keeps people I truly like and want in my life away from me and would have me surrounded by and/or connected (in whatever way) to ppl I don't. The sorrow of it is too much rite now. I despise even the fact that I felt I had to try to contact sb b/c I was compelled by a sense of duty and not by desire. When I don't even like that person naturally nemore; I'd still quite despise them naturally now - for their pathetic lies and immaturity - if it weren't for the spiritual dimension of things and God's supernatural work in my heart (which this particular sense of injustice is overcoming at this moment). I feel so bullied. I know a lot of it was my fault that I'm in this mess in the first place, but there were many, many ppl I had a spiritual burden for AND was naturally attracted to. Why couldn't God just send me in another direction, keep me from going off the direction I'd been going...which had been RIGHT for me. I know it was. I can't stand the fact that of the millions of ppl int he world, no, even the crowd of ppl I knew who had been special to me, I had to turn towards the ones I did. There are a great number of ppl I'd rather be spiritually connected to - ppl it'd be WORTH being connected to. And all the ones that surround me arent stronger than I am or up to my level spiritually, and there's too much mess in my life from the last sev years to deal w/ for me to have the time and energy to pick up new connections of that kind as I'd like. I waste enough time writing useless posts like this as this is whenever I get knocked down again. The few great spiritual ppl I admire all had the best supporters they could have. Where are mine?! I threw away the best of mine on top of all else that was good I had for nothing of much value. I neither have nor have the time to find and have nor am worthy of the kind of person/ppl I NEED. And I dont need them for my satisfaction or any other reason but to help me stand in my spiritual battles and become what I should be. It so tears me that I have to feel I fall short of such ppl as JK who is a reflection of the one I could and would have been if I hadn't gone the wrong way. I want to stay in God in this and all else; I dont want to be tripped up by anything nemore, certainly not this kind of matter. It's just making me MAD to think of what WAS my right to have, and to compare it to what I had instead, and to know that it was coz I'd chosen my own direction of investment based on false certainty and visible signs, instead of listening to God. It wasn't a wrong direction to begin w/, I know that, but I took some wrong turns within it that ended up leading me somewhere which was far worse than it'd have been for me to take a different direction - or even to stick w/ the one I originally had - to start w/. I HAD just overcome sorrow and anger from that recently (tho the regret will never go of course), but this realisation or reminder of the lack of true fighters beside me is bringing it back. I know God will provide the means for me to get there, the place He's shown me again thru sb I admire, but (its prob Satan attacking me) im finding it hard to get past this frustration rite now. if none of them had had help either, I wouldn't mind this as much, but the ones who've gone the way I want to go all had something I don't rite now have, and that's sb who backed them up spiritually thru their trials. I'm not any better than them; I don't know if I can get to where they are w/out the kind of spiritual assistance they had. And they had at least one spiritual giant on their side, in times of both weakness and strength, unlike me. I dont want to be weak, and I dont want to SOUND weak, but I am feeling real frustrated rite now. AND angry, remembering what great loyal spiritual warriors I could've had by my side by now, which I'd have helped raise all this time, and it was coz i was so blindly led away to the wrong choice of ppl, esp. one person, that my "spiritual loyalty" has to firstly lie w/ those who aren't much in my life and even less in the journey i must take. NOBODY knows what thats like. its not like a visible string you can cut w/ a pair of scissors yourself, which i really wanted to do at times - like even this moment - if it were possible. God, I want to be the best and I WANT to have the best. And I dont mean the best according to the world's standards either. I can gladly carry just about all else I'm to carry, but I must have a true Christian on my side just like the few ppl I actually truly and deeply respect did/do. But if such a blessing isnt for me, then I'll do w/out any and make some myself! And Im mad that i should be wasting time writing this meaningless stuff (only coz nobody will really appreciate it im sure) when I have a TON of things to do.