God help me or kill me now.
I feel like the crap people step on in a barnyard. God help me if things are just gonna get any worse. To think almost 3 years ago, I was actually happy, I had all the things I could dream of having and more. Now my dreams are getting crushed. I had a wonderful boyfriend, my parents were healthy, I had close friends, I had weight on my body, finances were good... now look at me. My ex might never be with me again, both parents have health problems, we're broke, I'm under 90 lbs, I'm losing friends...
It may be the stupidest prayer ever, but all I ask God is to let me have everything back from 3 years ago... Not just one thing, but everything: I want my ex, my parents to be healthier again, my friends, better finances, me to gain my weight back. is it too much to ask God for it? Because if it is, God, let me know... and just end my misery now. You said you can't put too much on me for me to handle. I can't handle it. Can God really turn back time and let me have the things that made me happier in the past? If He can, I really want that. I'm tired of this. I don't want "change". I don't want "things that can be better". I don't want "new people to have or meet". What isn't better than happiness, which was what I had before? The phrase "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it" is there. I want it... Just let me have my 3 years back. I try to have faith... but every time I do, more stuff comes that makes me want to give up and say "my life will never get there again and my prayers are just in vain." I act strong for my parents. I fake like I'm happy. I don't want pity. I just want people to realize that even though life may suck... ...even though it sucks, and people say I should focus on the here and now, my here and now sucks. I don't want the now right now.
I still wonder if I can get that back. My happiness, my past, my life. I see many people getting what they loved back then. Why can't I? I try to be strong. I do. But know this: I'm not strong enough to actually be that until I actually see any hope of my prayers answered.
...Can I ever get that back...?
...Please God... I know I'm a sinner... I know I've done so many things that make you question my worth to You... But please Lord... with your grace and Power, turn back the clocks of time for me... I want my ex back and have been wanting him back for years. I refrained from having anymore relationships. If I do not have my ex back, I'm better off lonely or with someone I do not want to love. I want my parents to be healthy and healed from heart and health problems... don't take them away to considered them "healed". I want them healthy here on earth... I want finances to be better. I'm tired of living with my parents and I'm tired of being stuck at home so much, I'm tired of struggling to get food to eat or scrounge money to find enough to get to school and back... I want my body back. I can barely eat anything anymore. I can only eat enough for a bird. ...I'm tired of disappointments. I'm tired of false hope. I had therapy, I've had suicide attempts, I've had everything bad. I'm done. I want my life back. 3 years of Hell, and I'm done with it. No one will listen to me or realize this is what I want, let alone need... I'm 20 years old, turning 21 next week... I dunno what to look forward to. The only thing I WANT to look forward to is if I can get that life back. My ex, my parents, our finances... my life. Please Lord... have I been forgotten? ...Please don't forget me... please let me have my life back... or end mine now.